(gentle music)
Well, hello everyone, Jess Stainbrook here
with the Invisible Disabilities Association,
as part of the Love Ideas Summit.
We have some great guests here today.
We've got Marc and Lianna Treitler
and Lianna is Marc's daughter.
And a few years ago they wrote a book
that I think really kinda will help us
speak into what's going on in today's times
of lockdown and some of the stress and different things
that are affecting people
because we're in closer relationship,
or we're not able to get out
and that's around alcohol and drug abuse.
And the book that these guys wrote is pretty cool,
it's called "Alcohol, Drugs & You:
"A Young Person's Guide to Avoiding Addiction."
And so, I think Lianna being the daughter
is gonna have a lot of insight into
how did I deal with dad in the times
when he was struggling before he got sober, if you will.
So I'm gonna let you guys kind of run with this.
I mean, Marc, maybe you wanna start as far as
what was going on in life?
What is it that actually pulls you into this addiction
and then we'll move into how to avoid it
and the impact that had on your daughter
and really then how that reconciliation can happen.
Sure, thanks for having us.
I'm happy to try to share our experiences
and my experiences try to help families and kids
avoid some of the pitfalls.
So I come from a family,
and not necessarily my mother or father,
just 'cause there'll be watching us.
But the family tree is loaded with addiction
on both sides of alcohol and lots of drugs,
as well as my sister.
So I started, actually I didn't drink much in high school,
which is sort of strange,
but then when I got to college
and joined a fraternity and lived in the fraternity,
it was the normal thing to do in my mind,
started drinking with friends seemed somewhat normal.
And then as with most alcoholics,
it just progresses over time,
and so through college, through law school,
marriage and the first jobs and the kids,
every year it sort of progresses.
In most alcoholics progressed as the same way
you started out socially drinking with a few beers,
then it turns into a lot more than a few beers,
then it turns into a lot of wine at dinner,
and then it turns into a you're hiding a vodka bottles
in the cabinet 'cause it won't smell on your breath,
and then you're throwing it away
when the wife and the kids aren't looking
just as you see in the movie.
So it's, every alcoholic friend that I know
pretty much ended in that state.
The fact that I had it in my genes
on both sides of the family sort of
made the normal drinking in college
almost a guaranteed to become an alcoholic,
the studies and the statistics for that
showed a stronger correlation.
So eventually, and we can talk about
what made me get better and I went to rehab
and focused on things
and thankfully I'm coming up on 12 years sober now.
Congratulation.
Thank you sir, and one of the things I wanted to make sure
that I told my children, that I taught my children
was the dangers of drugs and alcohol,
especially with addiction in our genes.
So that turned into a conversation with my daughter
and when she'll talk,
you can tell she's pretty smart and creative.
And somehow the idea was that,
well, every family we know has something like this,
so let's not only discuss it internally,
let's put something in a book form
and there were a way we went.
That's cool. Well, thanks.
So Lianna, why don't you, if you can take us back to,
I will call them the bad days
and again, having looked over your book and stuff,
what was that like?
How does a child get through that kind of stuff
to still love dad in the midst of what's going on?
Yeah, absolutely.
I think, like when I said he's almost 12 years sober,
so I was at an age, I think I was old enough
to realize something was a little bit off,
something was going on,
but we were not old enough to understand what was going on
and to really be involved in that conversation.
But I think from the outside,
I just saw a bit of a change
in my mom and dad relationship,
definitely a lot more yelling around the house.
My family's quite loud, but it was it was a step up.
My brother and I maybe being put to bed early
and then hearing fighting from the other room.
And I think as noticeable as it could have been
to a nine and 10 year old,
I think my dad wasn't around as much,
like maybe not coming to events,
not being around the house as much,
because obviously he was focused on other things.
And I think as a child, I just took that as,
Oh, dad's not around as much,
they're at my parents, more angry, just things like that.
And then obviously as I got older
and they start to explained to me the reasons behind it,
and after my dad went to rehab,
it became very clear why those things have been happening.
And I think to answer the second part of your question,
how my brother now speak for both of us
were able to kind of support my dad,
even in the midst of like the tumultuous,
like changes in our houses.
It was just because my mom and dad were really great
about communicating with us
and telling us what was going on.
Like my mom took us to rehab a bunch to see my dad
when he came home, he wasn't like sneaking
and hiding anything from us
and he really kept us in the loop.
And I think that's what we're trying to teach parents,
is that if you just communicate with your kids
and teach them, and he taught us about our family history
and clearly taught us enough
where we could write a book about it.
And I think that that increased not only
like the respect level, but also the trust between us.
So now I feel like our relationship is much stronger
just because we were able to talk about it
when I was young and we can talk about things similarly now.
That's awesome.
So Mark, what was the straw that broke the camel's back
to make you decide to change?
It was a comment that a younger version
of that girl on the bottom made
as my drinking progressed,
I wasn't able to be as present
with the children emotionally or physically
that's just what happens to alcoholics.
So I'd like to make up for that with gifts and big gesture.
So the family was big fans of American Idol, the TV Show,
and Lianna was a big fan of David Archuleta.
So I remember I bought concert tickets
and I think they were really good seats,
and either I got a limo or I drove, I think I got a limo,
and I took her to the concert
and I thought we had a great daddy daughter event.
And I thought I only had a couple of beers
and she wouldn't notice or it's just,
she was focused on the concert.
And then the next morning I asked my wife,
so what Lianna say about the concert?
And my wife said, Lianna said daddy drank too much.
So that sort of stabbed me in the heart apparently,
and then a few days later at a huge business function,
I got myself a very, very drunk
subconsciously intentionally,
so that the next morning I asked for help.
So it was a little comment from a daughter,
if those of us that know a lot about addiction,
if we knew what made somebody decide to get better,
then nobody would be an alcoholic it's,
I certainly had to worst moments before that.
And then you see a lot of people
lose their spouse and their kids and their job
and ended up in prison and they still don't get help.
But for me it was that one little comment.
And Lianna, what's your viewpoint of that?
How did things go then progressed and.
Yeah, I think I definitely remember the evening
kinda in flashes, 'cause again, I was pretty young,
but I do remember going to the concert
and like my dad said American Idol was the show,
David Archuleta was the artist and I was so excited to go
and I had a great time, but I just remember,
kinda like you said, not being as present,
maybe him leaving to go to like the beer tent.
'Cause it was at a County Fair
and they had like all these food tents next to the stage.
And I do remember like him going back and forth
coming back new beers
and as a child I knew what alcohol was,
so I obviously could tell my mom,
I remember going home telling my mom,
daddy drank too much and I went to bed.
And obviously they didn't know why,
I didn't know really what was going on,
but that's just something I took away
because we went to this concert
and then kept going back and forth doing something else.
So pretty much what he said,
but I think as a child, I just noticed the sort of absence
like you were talking about.
So obviously it sounds like you checked yourself in
to a place or how did the recovery process go
and starting that?
Yeah, I was at a big work function, our annual meeting
and an executive in our company and I got myself,
nobody had ever seen me drink like that,
and it was clearly intentional subconsciously.
In the morning I woke up
and I asked a couple of my coworker
I said, I need some help, you guys gotta give me help.
Then while they were looking for rehabs in Las Vegas I,
and I think this was a good idea,
something told me to tell as many people as possible.
So I think so I couldn't go back on my decision
because alcoholics and drug addicts trust me,
five times a week, they say, I'm never drinking again.
I'm never drinking again, this is it.
I threw up last night and passed out and this is it.
And you pound fist and then 2:00 PM,
you're having another beer.
So I told a lot of people, coworkers, friends, family,
and they found a rehab escorted me,
I changed rehabs a week through
and I wanted to be closer to the family.
So I was at a rehab here in Del Mar in San Diego
and 28 days later, as they say,
it took me a couple of weeks,
but I finally took it seriously what they were telling me.
And then knock on wood one day at a time,
we're almost at 12 years.
Once again, congratulations.
Thank you.
So Lianna, what, I mean, it sounds like Marc,
the accountability side is a key component.
The fact that you told a lot of people
to help you walk this path,
that was going to be difficult, right?
Yeah, for me that helped.
Yeah, all right, I can see that.
So Lianna, I'm curious, you're a college student,
there's a lot of societal expectations,
especially in that age range, like your dad said,
you join a fraternity, join the sorority, join whatever,
that's kind of the atmosphere,
the legalization of a lot of the drugs.
I mean, we live in Colorado,
they legalized marijuana and there's a huge problem here.
It's not just a social thing, it's increased in this stuff.
How do you guard yourself
in the midst of those kinds of things?
Yeah, I think that's definitely something
that I thought about before going to college,
and I know my parents definitely also thought about it.
I think in high school, I tried really hard
to tell the people that were closest to me
about the fact that I didn't drink
and obviously all of my best friends my family,
I told them our story.
So I always make sure to keep the people closest
to me in the loop,
just in case something comes up
and I need like someone on the defense with me
or just so everyone knows my situation.
And I think the biggest thing for me is that
college students and young adults
are kinda afraid of what they don't understand
or afraid of things that are different.
So maybe if I tell someone, Oh, I don't drink,
they might be like, Oh, why, ask a few questions.
But if I just stand there
and I'm confident in what I'm saying,
I'm very matter of fact and he was like, Oh, okay.
Like, no one really cares what one individual does
as long as you're pretty sure of yourself.
I think also I'm honest with people just as my dad,
my family were honest with me.
I just told them I have an allergy,
there's a lot of addiction in my family
and you'd be surprised about
how a lot of people are supportive
rather than abrasive.
A lot of people are like, wow, that's really cool,
like very admirable of you.
So I think just being very transparent
because no teenager calls you
and wants to make their peer
do something they don't wanna do.
I think definitely just being honest
and keeping the people around me informed
and people who love me surrounding myself with that.
And Jess, we have a, there's a chapter in the book
talking about peer pressure
that Lianna wrote most of it obviously.
And it's for those kids that read the book
and give them some tools to push back when they're,
not everybody's as confident as Lianna and forceful.
So there might be some shyer kids out there
that could use some tricks of the trade in our book.
Sure, Well, I think what I'd like to do
is approach the conversation again,
knowing that people these days are dealing with
extreme stress and anxiety, even fear of what's going on,
in this time, that's very different for us
of being locked down or forced in masks
and trying to keep other people healthy.
Marc, from your standpoint,
somebody that perhaps is in business
might not be sure if they're recognizing the signs
of heading down this road of alcoholism, what are the tips?
What are the those top three things
that you need to watch out for
and then, and again, how come out of it?
Sure, yeah, and this is a difficult time.
The statistics are just starting to come out
about overdoses and it's more than doubled,
it's people are like you said, they're scared.
I generally say if you yourself,
think you have a problem
and if you're debating that with yourself
or if you're a loved one
and you think there might be a problem with somebody,
there's almost always a problem.
Because that person that's drinking or doing the drugs
is normally not telling you all their doing if they're,
I heard this the other day that,
they seem drink a few beers,
but he always seems to be really drunk.
What could cause that?
Well, it's 'cause he's going behind the scenes
and chugging vodka or doing shots.
So if you're debating with yourself
or if your loved one or friend,
if you think they have a problem,
honestly they almost always have a problem.
The specific, there's some decent tests,
the one from the "Alcoholics Anonymous Big Book"
that I really like is all right,
so if you don't think you're an alcoholic,
go to a bar or restaurant now or outside or something,
and have two drinks a night and do that for two weeks
and see if you really can stay at two drinks.
Now, a true alcoholic can't so those first two drinks,
maybe the first night you'd be like,
all right, I'm gonna prove to myself,
by that third night, you're gonna be like,
well, I weigh 190 pounds,
so really I should have four beers, not two beer.
So that's one of the tests,
not that I'm encouraging drinking,
but if you can't stop, a normal person can stop.
My wife can stop at two glasses of wine
or one glass of wine.
An alcoholic really can't, that's one of the tests.
And then I like to say, if you or your loved ones,
switches from wanting to drink, to needing to drink,
that's an alcoholic.
If you find yourself planning your social activities
or around alcohol, if you have young kids
and you find yourself where it's open
going to Dave & Buster's a lot 'cause they have a bar,
going to Chuck E. Cheese a lot 'cause they have beer,
making sure that the restaurant you go to service wine.
You've transitioned from that wanting to that need,
and usually that's a sign that it's past that point.
Well, thanks Marc.
So Lianna from your standpoint,
how do people recognize or step away,
I mean, you've taken a strong stance,
which I commend you on and what a great example,
but for perhaps friends that are struggling,
I mean, you're in college, is it a roommate?
Is that a really good friend?
Is that a brothers? Is it a sister?
What are the things watch for
and how do we help them back out of that?
Absolutely, I think with young adults,
it's usually one of two things.
I think the first is sort of needing alcohol
and eating substances to have fun kinda depending on that,
because obviously kids, my age are socializing a lot,
going out a lot, trying to make new friends.
And if you find yourself needing alcoholic drink,
before you socialize to be more comfortable.
I think a lot of kids have the expectation that,
Oh, you need to drink a little to loosen up
to socialize and be more talkative.
But I feel like my dad said,
once you start depending on alcohol
to make you sort of personable and friendly,
I think that's a big sign that I've seen.
And also especially might be the pandemic
and kind of isolation.
If you get really sad, or get a bad grade on the test
or something happens with a significant other friend
and you're like, okay, let's go get drunk tonight,
or okay, let's use drinking or drugs to cope with
what I'm going through.
So using, kind of like drinking feelings away,
I think that's just as much of a problem
with younger kids as adults,
especially as this such a transitional time.
And there's a lot of new things facing kids my age,
kinda drinking to forget those things.
Drinking to forget like the hard times
of the week on the weekends.
And in regards to getting people out,
I think definitely I've done this a lot.
I just asked my friends like, yo is everything okay?
Do you want to talk about something?
And usually if they're in that sort of state
where they need to turn to alcohol,
a lot of my friends are really willing to talk.
And just keeping an eye out,
maybe not encouraging the behavior.
Like if your friend's like, Oh, let's go get some drinks
or Oh, let's do this.
You're like, Oh, like we can do movie night instead.
Finding alternatives to have fun
that don't involve alcohol,
I feel like is a really big thing.
And in regards to drinking away your feelings,
just always asking.
I think a lot of times teenagers
and young adults forget to ask each other how we're doing.
Through some stigma of not wanting
to have something wrong with you,
but a little goes a long way, that's it.
Yeah, well, I appreciate that insight,
especially from your age group
and that there's a lot of wisdom there.
I will say that I feel like it's interesting
that your dad and my generation,
we had to go find the bullies
if we're gonna get into trouble
and you guys the stuff shows up right here.
So you're living through a lot of different things
and a lot of different pressures that we didn't experience.
And again, any kinda insight as to overcoming that,
I mean, again that could be something
that led somebody toward drinking or suicide.
We're gonna do a discussion here around suicide as well,
because again, the things that are coming forward,
but any other things that Lianna again,
from your standpoint that you see would help your generation
press into healthy and positive things to do
as opposed to some of the negative choices.
Yeah, I think I'm kind of a plug
to what we talked about in the book,
definitely talk to your children
about these kinds of things at a younger age,
because if you're talking to your teenager
about substance abuse and use
after they're already seeing it,
you're a little bit too late.
So I think getting in there early,
and then with that talking about
how you can be a resource as a parent,
as a guardian, as a friend, just being at a talk.
'Cause a lot of times the kids feel
they can't talk to their parents
they will go and talk to the bottle instead,
which is a horrible thing.
And I think like you said,
with dealing on a new things like social media,
everything virtual, I think, I do this a lot,
I take breaks a lot from social media,
from texting just to step away.
I found a lot of other things and that's a big us
because I think our generation is so
revolved around technology.
I think just stepping away,
finding other things like going on walks with your dog
or going to play sports.
I just used to drive around at home in quarantine
just to get some air, just kinda take a breather,
I think is really underrated.
And also just parents can help with this
to building up your confidence
because if you're looking at your phone,
comparing yourself to every girl you see on your Instagram,
then obviously you're gonna feel a little bit inadequate
and then maybe turn to other things
to make yourself feel better.
So I think a lot of it's rooted in how the kids are raised
and how the parents talk to them.
But then also finding other things to kind of take away,
take a step back from virtual world.
Thanks, Lianna.
It's good advice.
Wisdom beyond your years, congratulations.
Thank you.
So Marc, any other thoughts
and where can people find some of this information?
Yeah, I just wanted to touch on one thing
that Lianna said, you're right she has a lot of wisdom.
So alcoholics and addicts, we don't develop coping skills
because it's just the alcohol.
So when Lianna referenced having a stressful day
or a relationship issue or even a great day,
all alcoholics do is they drink.
So during my a 15 to 20 year drinking career,
I didn't really develop coping skills.
So that's, you maintain your emotional immaturity,
even to this day, you could probably tell my daughter,
my 19 year old has better coping skills than I do
and I'm almost 50, so very insightful.
So to get our book, you can go to Amazon
or you can go to potatoallergy.com.
That's our main website, on that website we have
tips and tools and you can ask questions.
And if anybody is having financial issues
and can't afford the book,
just email us, we'll send you a copy.
So our goal is to get this out there
and help as many people, children like,
especially before they're introduced
to the drugs or the alcohol or the peer pressure.
Any other last thoughts Lianna?
Yeah, I would just say,
we're trying to get this message out
to as many people as possible.
So thank you for sharing and thank you for having us.
Yeah, you're doing great work Jess,
the entire program is just amazing.
So thank you for helping people
and letting us hopefully play a small part in that.
Yeah, well, I appreciate you guys joining me
for this particular segment.
Like I said, statistics are going up
given the situation that we're currently in,
and we wanna change that.
When we talk about invisible disabilities,
it covers such a wide range of things
and people might have stereotypes of all,
well, that's this or that's that.
And I actually think the addictions
to alcohol or drugs are very similar.
And again, because you may know somebody
and they act one way when they're someplace
and a different way when there's someplace else.
And so that in itself is a disability
that could be invisible,
again obviously that has huge consequences
in the context of relationships.
So anyway, well, thank you so much guys for joining me
and Lianna have a great year at school,
hopefully they'll get you back in the classes.
Marc, and I appreciate you guys
as a team and a family working through these things
and sharing it in such a way that we can help others
who are living with this kind of a struggle.
So thanks so much.
All right thanks Jess, thank Lianna have a great day.
All right.
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