WEBVTT 00:10.247 --> 00:12.830 (lively music) 00:18.430 --> 00:19.320 All right, welcome. 00:19.320 --> 00:21.160 I'm Katie Hendricks. 00:21.160 --> 00:22.670 And I'm Gay Hendricks. 00:22.670 --> 00:26.090 And we're here to really support all of us 00:26.090 --> 00:29.540 in creating thriving relationships 00:29.540 --> 00:31.720 and relationships that can survive 00:31.720 --> 00:33.760 all of the different unknowns 00:33.760 --> 00:35.970 that we're all encountering right now 00:35.970 --> 00:39.390 with the virus and all of the changes to our schedules 00:39.390 --> 00:41.570 and our work schedules and school. 00:41.570 --> 00:43.600 It's a lot to deal with. 00:44.670 --> 00:45.997 It's a lot to deal with, 00:45.997 --> 00:48.180 and it's also an opportunity 00:48.180 --> 00:52.320 because when things are shaky or falling apart, 00:52.320 --> 00:54.720 in some ways, it's an opportune time 00:54.720 --> 00:59.080 to look at yourself and open up to whatever you need to do 00:59.080 --> 01:02.630 to survive and thrive through a stressful time. 01:02.630 --> 01:04.540 So it's an opportunity for learning 01:04.540 --> 01:06.220 that's unlike just about anything 01:06.220 --> 01:08.980 that we've ever run across. 01:08.980 --> 01:11.570 We work a lot, of course, with relationships. 01:11.570 --> 01:15.080 And so what we've seen is tremendous amount of stresses 01:15.080 --> 01:17.260 in couple relationships, 01:17.260 --> 01:20.220 but also a lot of stress in the lives of people 01:20.220 --> 01:24.301 who are single, because just for one example, 01:24.301 --> 01:27.580 single people have told me that meeting people 01:27.580 --> 01:29.860 is such a different challenge now. 01:29.860 --> 01:33.730 And so we have a lot of things we wanna say about that, 01:33.730 --> 01:35.320 that we think will be helpful to you. 01:35.320 --> 01:37.460 But first of all, we just need to acknowledge 01:37.460 --> 01:40.250 that this is a very unusual, special time, 01:40.250 --> 01:44.380 and it calls forth an extraordinary type of love 01:44.380 --> 01:48.930 and attention from ourselves at this time. 01:48.930 --> 01:52.280 So the first thing we wanna invite you to do right now 01:52.280 --> 01:55.860 is to turn your attention toward you 01:55.860 --> 01:57.690 and appreciate yourself, 01:57.690 --> 02:02.030 that is give some sensitive awareness and presence 02:02.030 --> 02:04.440 to just what you're experiencing right now, 02:04.440 --> 02:08.240 what's going on inside you, what you're feeling, 02:08.240 --> 02:12.310 what you're dealing with and appreciating yourself 02:12.310 --> 02:16.230 for your willingness to give attention to you 02:16.230 --> 02:19.690 because loving yourself for whatever you're experiencing, 02:19.690 --> 02:21.800 rather than distracting yourself 02:21.800 --> 02:23.040 or turning away from that, 02:23.040 --> 02:26.790 is really the beginning of being able to move 02:26.790 --> 02:30.890 toward what you want, being able to nourish yourself. 02:30.890 --> 02:34.380 So whether you're single or in a couple, 02:34.380 --> 02:36.800 or have lots of friends around, 02:36.800 --> 02:40.330 or are isolated by yourself in a mountain cabin, 02:40.330 --> 02:43.800 this is a time where expanding your ability 02:43.800 --> 02:48.050 to give and receive love, I think is really central. 02:48.050 --> 02:50.930 One of the things I've been appreciating about this time 02:50.930 --> 02:53.220 that some people are calling the great pause, 02:53.220 --> 02:55.650 and I sometimes call the great time-out, 02:55.650 --> 02:58.900 where the planet is saying, "Okay, guys, 02:58.900 --> 03:02.080 time to take a time out and don't go back to normal." 03:02.080 --> 03:05.180 And we really wanna encourage you not to go back 03:05.180 --> 03:08.720 to what you might have considered normal in your life, 03:08.720 --> 03:13.090 but use this as an opportunity to both dive more deeply, 03:13.090 --> 03:16.510 but also expand your willingness 03:16.510 --> 03:18.200 to give and receive more love. 03:18.200 --> 03:23.200 And so right now, just try on a commitment or willingness. 03:23.660 --> 03:28.660 I'm willing to grow my ability even now 03:28.890 --> 03:31.868 to give and receive more love. 03:31.868 --> 03:32.701 (breath whooshing) 03:32.701 --> 03:35.650 And take a couple of breaths with that and notice, 03:35.650 --> 03:39.040 how does that feel to you to actually declare 03:39.040 --> 03:42.620 that I am willing to choose, 03:42.620 --> 03:46.213 to open my ability to give and receive more love? 03:48.042 --> 03:49.970 One of the things that our trainings, 03:49.970 --> 03:51.850 at some of our trainings, when people graduate, 03:51.850 --> 03:55.220 they get a little wrist band and on the wristband, 03:55.220 --> 03:57.730 it has our name, of course, hendricks.com and all that, 03:57.730 --> 04:01.190 but it says, "Breathe, move, love." 04:01.190 --> 04:03.480 And what we're meaning by that 04:03.480 --> 04:08.480 is we really think that we have, you have, 04:09.060 --> 04:11.150 all the resources you need 04:11.150 --> 04:14.060 in your own natural body and mind, 04:14.060 --> 04:16.370 resources to go through any kind 04:16.370 --> 04:18.640 of difficult situation there is. 04:18.640 --> 04:23.270 And what we specifically mean with the breathe part 04:23.270 --> 04:27.880 is that there's a tendency when times 04:27.880 --> 04:30.410 are stressful and fear is in the air, 04:30.410 --> 04:34.010 there's a tendency to clutch up and our breath goes up 04:34.010 --> 04:37.190 into our chest and muscles clench, 04:37.190 --> 04:40.970 and it's all part of the fight or flight response. 04:40.970 --> 04:43.020 Actually the fight or flight response 04:43.020 --> 04:47.500 is a fight, flight, freeze, or faint response 04:47.500 --> 04:51.150 because fear actually has four different expressions. 04:51.150 --> 04:53.720 Some people get mad when they get scared. 04:53.720 --> 04:57.170 Some people pull back and flee when they get scared. 04:57.170 --> 05:00.263 Some people kind of get spacey when they get scared, 05:02.098 --> 05:04.870 when I watch an old "Star Trek" episode. 05:04.870 --> 05:06.276 And sometimes people just wanna conk out and go to sleep. 05:06.276 --> 05:10.120 And sometimes people freeze. 05:10.120 --> 05:11.380 Freeze too, yes. 05:11.380 --> 05:14.310 And so you can see that all throughout nature. 05:14.310 --> 05:16.871 For example, rabbits, if they get under stress, 05:16.871 --> 05:18.190 they freeze. 05:18.190 --> 05:22.350 And so we have the same mechanisms built into us, 05:22.350 --> 05:24.680 but here's where we have an advantage 05:24.680 --> 05:27.040 because of our consciousness and awareness 05:27.040 --> 05:29.250 that we've developed as human beings, 05:29.250 --> 05:34.000 we can use moments of stress to actually grow from. 05:34.000 --> 05:35.330 And as Katie just said, 05:35.330 --> 05:37.940 having a willingness to use this moment 05:37.940 --> 05:40.050 to grow from in your relationships 05:40.050 --> 05:42.110 and in your relationship with your body 05:42.110 --> 05:43.790 is incredibly important. 05:43.790 --> 05:45.950 So we want you, as you watch this, 05:45.950 --> 05:47.760 and as you go through the times ahead 05:47.760 --> 05:51.900 to really use your body, breathe, open up, 05:51.900 --> 05:53.660 learn from this moment. 05:53.660 --> 05:55.150 I was inspired one time, 05:55.150 --> 05:57.650 many years ago when I read a biography 05:57.650 --> 06:02.020 of our great naturalist out here in California, John Muir, 06:02.020 --> 06:05.470 who was up in Yosemite, camping in a cave 06:05.470 --> 06:09.630 when the great earthquake of 1906 hit, 06:09.630 --> 06:12.740 and in his notebook, he said he felt a great rumbling 06:12.740 --> 06:17.230 in the earth and he ran outside to see what he could learn. 06:17.230 --> 06:19.550 And so we wanna have that kind of attitude 06:19.550 --> 06:21.970 with the shaking that's going on now. 06:21.970 --> 06:23.570 So that's the breath part. 06:23.570 --> 06:26.590 What we mean by move is to actually remember 06:26.590 --> 06:30.123 that human beings are born to move. 06:31.200 --> 06:34.790 We're not born to stay subtle in ourselves. 06:34.790 --> 06:38.070 So keep your body moving while you're going through this. 06:38.070 --> 06:39.580 Get plenty of exercise. 06:39.580 --> 06:40.620 Remember to breathe. 06:40.620 --> 06:41.880 Remember to stretch. 06:41.880 --> 06:44.600 You are your most important instrument. 06:44.600 --> 06:46.810 And we need to realize that no matter 06:46.810 --> 06:48.120 what kind of work you do, 06:48.120 --> 06:50.820 whether you're in the coaching field or whatever you do, 06:50.820 --> 06:53.310 you're your own best instrument. 06:53.310 --> 06:54.570 And we all need, 06:54.570 --> 06:56.460 those of us that are in the helping professions, 06:56.460 --> 06:59.540 need to learn to keep polishing our instrument 06:59.540 --> 07:01.980 and tuning up our instrument all the time, 07:01.980 --> 07:04.800 so anything you can do like that, 07:04.800 --> 07:06.800 that involves breath and movement. 07:06.800 --> 07:10.080 Ultimately the real healing power 07:10.080 --> 07:14.910 is in love because with love, you have the only thing 07:14.910 --> 07:19.910 that humans have access to that can contain its opposite. 07:20.050 --> 07:22.590 So here in this room and in other rooms 07:22.590 --> 07:24.320 we've worked in over the years, 07:24.320 --> 07:26.260 we've seen literally thousands of people 07:26.260 --> 07:29.490 make the shift from not loving themselves 07:29.490 --> 07:31.710 to suddenly loving themselves 07:31.710 --> 07:33.740 and realizing that they can even love 07:33.740 --> 07:36.040 the unlovable part of themselves. 07:36.040 --> 07:38.350 And so ultimately everything 07:38.350 --> 07:40.890 that needs to get healed in ourselves 07:40.890 --> 07:45.890 and our relationship must be done in a loving way. 07:46.060 --> 07:49.750 You can't criticize change into a relationship. 07:49.750 --> 07:53.210 You can't shame yourself into learning. 07:53.210 --> 07:56.610 And so what we need to learn really 07:56.610 --> 07:59.750 is how to love ourselves more deeply, 07:59.750 --> 08:01.820 which at the same time allows us 08:01.820 --> 08:04.990 to love the other person more deeply. 08:04.990 --> 08:09.360 And love is really being able 08:09.360 --> 08:11.980 to be in the same space with something. 08:11.980 --> 08:16.320 And the big skill that we wanna promote 08:16.320 --> 08:19.660 is turning toward what is happening. 08:19.660 --> 08:23.460 So turning toward what is happening inside you, 08:23.460 --> 08:27.020 turning toward what your partner or your friend 08:27.020 --> 08:29.980 or a relative is expressing to you, 08:29.980 --> 08:32.710 that you're letting your whole self, 08:32.710 --> 08:37.710 including your body, your breathing, opening your posture, 08:37.840 --> 08:40.690 turning toward what is actually happening. 08:40.690 --> 08:44.040 And the willingness to be with, 08:44.040 --> 08:48.470 I think, is our first expression of love. 08:48.470 --> 08:51.100 And the willingness to appreciate 08:51.100 --> 08:53.020 that we've been talking about 08:53.020 --> 08:55.910 is really giving your sensitive awareness 08:55.910 --> 08:57.750 to what you're turning towards. 08:57.750 --> 08:59.840 So if you notice for example, 08:59.840 --> 09:02.470 that your friend seems to be, 09:02.470 --> 09:03.920 you're on a Zoom call, 09:03.920 --> 09:06.960 and you notice that your friend looks kind of down, 09:06.960 --> 09:08.800 you can turn toward that. 09:08.800 --> 09:12.860 You can let yourself open to your own breathing, 09:12.860 --> 09:13.910 your own moving, 09:13.910 --> 09:17.530 but open to being sensitively aware 09:17.530 --> 09:19.240 of what they're experiencing, 09:19.240 --> 09:23.510 and those are really the building blocks of love. 09:23.510 --> 09:25.010 I also wanted to share with you 09:25.010 --> 09:30.010 that we have a huge number of free resources for you. 09:30.020 --> 09:34.200 We have two big websites and hendricks.com, 09:34.200 --> 09:38.970 H-E-N-D-R-I-C-K-S dot com has several videos 09:38.970 --> 09:43.929 on practicing the skills of loving and- 09:43.929 --> 09:44.762 Breathing. 09:44.762 --> 09:46.890 Breathing and listening and moving 09:46.890 --> 09:48.000 and listening to each other. 09:48.000 --> 09:52.360 And the foundationforconsciousliving.org 09:52.360 --> 09:54.880 has a bunch of videos, 09:54.880 --> 09:56.880 particularly on the subject of fear 09:56.880 --> 09:59.130 and how to move from fear to here. 09:59.130 --> 10:01.590 We've developed something we call Fear Melters, 10:01.590 --> 10:04.650 which uses very simple movements 10:04.650 --> 10:07.480 to allow you to get more present 10:07.480 --> 10:08.960 so that you can be here, 10:08.960 --> 10:12.940 so that you can turn toward and be with what is happening. 10:12.940 --> 10:17.910 And the whole idea of loving, 10:17.910 --> 10:20.600 I think is also supported, 10:20.600 --> 10:23.870 and breathing, moving, and loving are supported 10:23.870 --> 10:28.290 by you taking a look at one of the pulsations 10:28.290 --> 10:30.490 that we've really noticed in relationship 10:30.490 --> 10:33.071 that's really, really important, 10:33.071 --> 10:36.940 and that is that we each have what we call an urge to merge, 10:36.940 --> 10:41.030 an urge toward unity and an urge to individuate, 10:41.030 --> 10:44.130 an urge to fulfill our own creative destiny. 10:44.130 --> 10:46.890 And how that shows up during quarantine 10:46.890 --> 10:50.280 is you're together with people 10:51.460 --> 10:53.595 that you haven't spent all day with. 10:53.595 --> 10:54.668 Or you're alone. 10:54.668 --> 10:55.607 Or you're alone, 10:55.607 --> 10:58.270 and you don't have the opportunity to be with people. 10:58.270 --> 11:00.920 So the both ends of that continuum 11:00.920 --> 11:02.990 are really being emphasized right now. 11:02.990 --> 11:05.560 And we think that it's really important 11:05.560 --> 11:10.050 that you create a willingness 11:10.050 --> 11:13.540 to see or to feel sense into. 11:13.540 --> 11:16.320 Do I need some time for myself right now? 11:16.320 --> 11:19.080 Is it time for me to take a walk around the block 11:19.080 --> 11:21.290 or take a book and go out 11:21.290 --> 11:22.860 and go into another part of the house 11:22.860 --> 11:24.800 and just have some time for me, 11:24.800 --> 11:27.500 or am I really wanting connection right now? 11:27.500 --> 11:31.200 And how will I know that because generally people 11:31.200 --> 11:34.990 wait until they get into some kind of a hassle 11:34.990 --> 11:38.090 with each other to create space, 11:38.090 --> 11:41.510 or they won't share what they really need 11:41.510 --> 11:44.520 with their partner and expect the other to mind-read. 11:44.520 --> 11:47.470 So that's one of the things that I've really noticed 11:47.470 --> 11:52.470 has been important is, okay, am I getting enough solo time? 11:53.000 --> 11:54.740 And am I getting enough connection? 11:54.740 --> 11:58.440 And that's a dynamic balance that really changes, I think, 11:58.440 --> 12:01.300 both day-to-day, but over time, 12:01.300 --> 12:03.880 depending on what you're dealing with. 12:03.880 --> 12:05.830 A friend of ours, who's a yoga teacher, 12:05.830 --> 12:06.790 that has three children, 12:06.790 --> 12:11.390 she was saying that if she gives herself an hour a day 12:11.390 --> 12:14.400 to herself to do her yoga and all of that, 12:14.400 --> 12:17.370 then she can give back 23 to the family. 12:17.370 --> 12:19.590 But if she doesn't get that hour, 12:19.590 --> 12:20.980 she can't give back anything. 12:20.980 --> 12:23.180 And so it's something we all really need to keep in mind, 12:23.180 --> 12:25.060 especially in times where there's often 12:25.060 --> 12:27.840 a forced intimacy of having kids stay at home 12:27.840 --> 12:30.450 and being in the same space as each other. 12:30.450 --> 12:34.250 I wanna say another word too, about the fear issue, 12:34.250 --> 12:38.020 because fear is really underneath most issues 12:38.020 --> 12:40.680 that occur in ourselves and between other people. 12:40.680 --> 12:42.730 There's something we get scared about 12:42.730 --> 12:43.940 dealing within ourselves, 12:43.940 --> 12:46.360 and so we avoid it with addictions or whatever, 12:46.360 --> 12:48.840 or there's something we're not dealing with 12:48.840 --> 12:50.350 in the relationship. 12:50.350 --> 12:54.920 So we pull back and go into some kind of fear-based thing. 12:54.920 --> 12:58.500 But the reason fear is such an important thing 12:58.500 --> 13:03.230 to focus on is because throughout human evolution, 13:03.230 --> 13:05.570 there's been a tendency, not just with humans, 13:05.570 --> 13:10.200 but all other species too, to contract when we get scared. 13:10.200 --> 13:12.020 If you notice that if you get scared, 13:12.020 --> 13:15.090 you tighten up in your belly, you don't breathe as much, 13:15.090 --> 13:17.110 your muscles tighten up, 13:17.110 --> 13:21.140 and there've been jillions of different studies on that. 13:21.140 --> 13:22.550 But the important thing to know 13:22.550 --> 13:26.230 is that we've got wired into us a tendency 13:26.230 --> 13:29.100 to contract when we get scared. 13:29.100 --> 13:32.650 However, sometimes what we really need to be doing 13:32.650 --> 13:34.920 is expanding when we get scared 13:34.920 --> 13:39.530 and coming out of our crouch and opening up to learning, 13:39.530 --> 13:41.120 just like John Muir did, 13:41.120 --> 13:42.950 you know the great rumbling on the earth, 13:42.950 --> 13:45.470 and I ran out to see what I could learn. 13:45.470 --> 13:48.821 Many of us would be running for the back of the cave. 13:48.821 --> 13:49.654 (both laughing) 13:49.654 --> 13:51.020 Whoa. 13:51.020 --> 13:55.310 So what we need to do is get a habit built in 13:55.310 --> 13:58.770 of opening to things, opening to our fear, 13:58.770 --> 14:00.070 opening to our feelings, 14:00.070 --> 14:03.920 opening to our anger instead of shying away from that, 14:03.920 --> 14:07.360 because it's in the act of defending ourself 14:07.360 --> 14:11.420 against things in here that causes a lot of our symptoms. 14:11.420 --> 14:13.200 And same thing, if we're defending 14:13.200 --> 14:15.590 against something that's going on here, 14:15.590 --> 14:18.550 then we get into the usual relationship dramas 14:18.550 --> 14:20.290 of criticism- 14:20.290 --> 14:21.123 Control. 14:21.123 --> 14:25.240 Control, contempt, sulking. 14:25.240 --> 14:26.073 Defensive. 14:26.073 --> 14:27.540 All of the popular kinds of things 14:27.540 --> 14:29.870 that human beings tend to do 14:29.870 --> 14:31.890 when we get scared in a relationship. 14:31.890 --> 14:34.240 So anyway, I'm just wanting to point 14:34.240 --> 14:37.050 a big finger at fear in ourselves, 14:37.050 --> 14:39.200 because there's a lot to be learned there, 14:39.200 --> 14:42.440 and especially once you really become open 14:42.440 --> 14:44.820 to learning about those inner feelings, 14:44.820 --> 14:48.210 you realize how much control and power you have 14:48.210 --> 14:49.980 over them with your breathing, 14:49.980 --> 14:53.840 because breathing is really a key to all of your emotions. 14:53.840 --> 14:55.810 If you notice in yourself, 14:55.810 --> 15:00.660 fear will cause you to breathe differently than anger will. 15:00.660 --> 15:02.040 Same thing with sadness. 15:02.040 --> 15:03.550 Oftentimes when you're sad, 15:03.550 --> 15:06.750 you breathe slower and more labored, 15:06.750 --> 15:07.950 whereas when you're angry, 15:07.950 --> 15:09.620 your breath goes up in your chest 15:09.620 --> 15:11.670 and you get more huffy and puffy with it, 15:11.670 --> 15:14.580 but really fear is at the center of it. 15:14.580 --> 15:18.330 And if you learn how to be open to and learn from your fear, 15:18.330 --> 15:22.000 you can really save yourself a lot of wear and tear 15:24.091 --> 15:25.770 on your body because you're not fighting 15:25.770 --> 15:27.980 with what's going on inside. 15:27.980 --> 15:30.250 And what I was just hearing in what you were saying 15:30.250 --> 15:34.710 is that you're being authentic, you're being real. 15:34.710 --> 15:38.830 And I think that we're really being called on right now 15:38.830 --> 15:43.830 to draw on our deepest core resilience, 15:44.490 --> 15:46.840 our possibilities to meet this time. 15:46.840 --> 15:49.387 And even just saying something as simple as, 15:49.387 --> 15:51.770 "Oh, I just realized that I'm scared," 15:51.770 --> 15:53.450 and when I say that, 15:53.450 --> 15:56.780 I'm actually aligning with what is happening 15:56.780 --> 16:00.700 and that unkinks the energy hose inside, 16:00.700 --> 16:05.700 so that I feel more alive-ness, I feel more capability. 16:06.170 --> 16:08.820 And if I'm doing that in relationship 16:08.820 --> 16:10.960 with anybody in my life, 16:10.960 --> 16:15.250 I become a space where other people can be real. 16:15.250 --> 16:20.250 I then invite other people to share and to connect. 16:20.980 --> 16:23.360 And one of the big issues 16:23.360 --> 16:26.580 for so many people right now is connecting. 16:26.580 --> 16:29.560 How can I connect with others? 16:29.560 --> 16:32.850 And so being able to both give my attention 16:32.850 --> 16:34.920 and to give my full attention 16:34.920 --> 16:37.100 is what we call really turning towards. 16:37.100 --> 16:39.010 So I'm not turning toward, 16:39.010 --> 16:41.280 but then I'm also sort of looking at, 16:41.280 --> 16:42.970 or doing something else, 16:42.970 --> 16:44.260 or going, "Yeah, yeah, yeah." 16:44.260 --> 16:46.410 If I really turn toward, 16:46.410 --> 16:50.410 and I'm also willing to be real, 16:50.410 --> 16:55.410 that opens up this ability to connect 16:55.570 --> 17:00.370 that allows us to fill our reservoirs, our inner reservoirs, 17:00.370 --> 17:04.640 and to be able to be more abundant with what we can offer 17:04.640 --> 17:08.290 and also what we can create, solutions that we can create, 17:08.290 --> 17:11.370 for all of the daily things that come up. 17:11.370 --> 17:13.940 Things break, schedules change, 17:13.940 --> 17:15.100 kids can go back to school, 17:15.100 --> 17:17.430 no, they can't go back to school. 17:17.430 --> 17:21.010 So all of this unexpected, I think really, 17:21.010 --> 17:25.259 is what scientists would call a pattern interrupt. 17:25.259 --> 17:27.110 It's kind of a global pattern interrupt. 17:27.110 --> 17:30.450 So the usual things that we do every day, 17:30.450 --> 17:32.030 those have all been disrupted. 17:32.030 --> 17:35.920 And when we can meet them by being real 17:35.920 --> 17:39.880 and by actually calling up our ability 17:39.880 --> 17:41.510 to co-create together, 17:41.510 --> 17:44.530 we can invent all kinds of new things. 17:44.530 --> 17:46.800 One other thing I was wanting to mention too, 17:46.800 --> 17:49.640 that I find really important during this time 17:49.640 --> 17:54.640 is focus on, in your relationship 17:55.230 --> 17:57.790 with friends, yourself, and others, 17:57.790 --> 18:00.870 get your business handled 18:00.870 --> 18:04.203 in what we call a 10-minute business conversation, 18:05.850 --> 18:08.710 the stuffed talk conversation. 18:08.710 --> 18:13.000 So one of the dangers is that the things 18:13.000 --> 18:13.960 that need to be happen, 18:13.960 --> 18:16.390 the decisions that need to be made, 18:16.390 --> 18:21.160 can spread out and kind of contaminate the connection 18:21.160 --> 18:24.260 and the possibility of playing with each other, 18:24.260 --> 18:25.740 of enjoying beauty, 18:25.740 --> 18:28.570 of doing things together that you both enjoy 18:28.570 --> 18:29.920 or that the family enjoys. 18:29.920 --> 18:31.240 So we have, in fact, in our book, 18:31.240 --> 18:34.670 "Conscious Loving Ever After," 18:34.670 --> 18:36.250 we have practices in there 18:36.250 --> 18:38.700 that we think would be very valuable for you, 18:38.700 --> 18:42.560 especially at this time on customizing appreciation. 18:42.560 --> 18:44.330 But the ones that I'm talking about now 18:44.330 --> 18:47.090 are what we call the 10-minute conversations, 18:47.090 --> 18:51.020 and they allow you to handle the business of life 18:51.020 --> 18:54.479 without having it spread out into all of the times 18:54.479 --> 18:56.400 that you're together. 18:56.400 --> 18:58.150 So you can find directions in that, 18:58.150 --> 19:00.020 but the basic gist of it is 19:00.020 --> 19:02.660 that you schedule a meeting 19:02.660 --> 19:07.090 and you take 10 minutes to look at what needs to happen, 19:07.090 --> 19:10.080 who's gonna do it and by when are they going to do it? 19:10.080 --> 19:12.291 What household thing is broken, 19:12.291 --> 19:14.007 all of those kinds of- Yep, all of those things. 19:14.007 --> 19:16.290 We put all of that into the stuff talk. 19:16.290 --> 19:19.050 And we started doing those on Tuesdays and Thursdays. 19:19.050 --> 19:21.230 We had the stuff talk on Tuesday 19:21.230 --> 19:24.020 and the heart talk on Thursday. 19:24.020 --> 19:25.860 So you wanna kind of separate that out, 19:25.860 --> 19:28.900 so you're not talking about stuff all the time. 19:28.900 --> 19:31.070 I can't tell you how many people have said to us 19:31.070 --> 19:33.668 in counseling over the years that it just, 19:33.668 --> 19:38.480 like one particular time a fellow told me 19:38.480 --> 19:42.780 that he came home from a long three-day business trip, 19:42.780 --> 19:44.180 and he opened the door, 19:44.180 --> 19:46.337 and the first thing he got was, 19:46.337 --> 19:48.945 "The upstairs toilet is busted." 19:48.945 --> 19:53.945 So you want a certain quality of experience 19:55.150 --> 19:56.830 and then suddenly something breaks. 19:56.830 --> 20:01.560 And so most of the time though, those things aren't urgent. 20:01.560 --> 20:03.450 You don't need to handle them at the time. 20:03.450 --> 20:05.740 So that's why we suggest pushing them 20:05.740 --> 20:07.940 into a compressed little period of time. 20:07.940 --> 20:11.260 And most people can handle this stuff in 10 minutes. 20:11.260 --> 20:13.132 It doesn't take an hour to do it. 20:13.132 --> 20:17.840 But then on Thursday, we don't talk about stuff. 20:17.840 --> 20:20.320 We have our 10-minute heart talk 20:20.320 --> 20:23.310 where we talk about anything that's going on with us. 20:23.310 --> 20:25.230 And it can go 20 minutes or 30 minutes, 20:25.230 --> 20:26.460 but most of the times, 20:26.460 --> 20:29.420 it's just kinda talking about some stuff that's up, 20:29.420 --> 20:31.640 that we haven't had a really chance to communicate about. 20:31.640 --> 20:33.980 So whether you do it on Monday and Wednesday or whatever, 20:33.980 --> 20:38.510 what we suggest you do is you make a couple of times a week, 20:38.510 --> 20:42.330 especially one that is designated for stuff, business stuff, 20:42.330 --> 20:44.590 because that can get out of hand 20:44.590 --> 20:46.880 and just crawl all over your life. 20:46.880 --> 20:48.890 So we can say, put it in a box 20:48.890 --> 20:50.729 and deal with it on Tuesday night. 20:50.729 --> 20:52.067 And get it handled. 20:52.067 --> 20:56.420 And then one of the disciplines for me was writing it down. 20:56.420 --> 20:58.690 So rather that say, "Oh, Gay," 20:58.690 --> 21:00.230 I would write it down, 21:00.230 --> 21:02.580 and then when I had a sufficient number of things 21:02.580 --> 21:03.747 on the list, I'd say, 21:03.747 --> 21:06.150 "I'd like to schedule a business, 21:06.150 --> 21:08.180 a stuff talk conversation with you," 21:08.180 --> 21:10.280 and we would just handle it then. 21:10.280 --> 21:15.007 And what that opens up is that any time 21:15.007 --> 21:18.147 your partner or your friend says, 21:18.147 --> 21:20.940 "Hey, I'm noticing," or, "Hey," 21:20.940 --> 21:24.900 it's a "Oh, what are you learning? 21:24.900 --> 21:27.160 What have you just discovered?" 21:27.160 --> 21:28.876 Like Gay will say, 21:28.876 --> 21:31.310 "Hey, I wanna show you this cartoon that I just saw," 21:31.310 --> 21:34.230 or "I was just thinking about something 21:34.230 --> 21:35.440 I experienced last week, 21:35.440 --> 21:37.280 and I just figured out what that was about." 21:37.280 --> 21:42.280 So it's about the richness of giving and receiving love, 21:42.300 --> 21:44.710 of giving and receiving attention. 21:44.710 --> 21:48.250 And I find that so incredibly nourishing, 21:48.250 --> 21:51.620 and we need a lot more of it right now 21:51.620 --> 21:56.620 because there's so much that is chaotic and unknown. 21:56.820 --> 21:59.720 So having something that you've agreed on 21:59.720 --> 22:02.670 that is something that you can count on, 22:02.670 --> 22:06.740 I know that I'll have this time to talk to you about this, 22:06.740 --> 22:10.310 I think really kind of sounds a tone. 22:10.310 --> 22:13.557 It gives a kind of a drum beat that your body can go, 22:13.557 --> 22:18.557 "Oh, okay," something has some kind of regularity in it. 22:18.790 --> 22:20.220 The other thing I wanted to share 22:20.220 --> 22:22.620 is how important that I think it is 22:22.620 --> 22:24.620 for us to focus on things 22:24.620 --> 22:28.090 that we love rather than everything that is hard. 22:28.090 --> 22:30.750 So one of the things that I do every day 22:30.750 --> 22:34.410 is to focus on something that I love to do. 22:34.410 --> 22:37.170 So one of the things I love to do is to cook. 22:37.170 --> 22:41.340 And so every day I tune into what would be fun 22:41.340 --> 22:43.077 for us to eat today, or I'll ask Gay, 22:43.077 --> 22:45.510 "When you thinking about it, 22:45.510 --> 22:47.180 what would you most like to eat today?" 22:47.180 --> 22:50.960 And then giving my attention to creating that 22:50.960 --> 22:53.280 is not only nourishing, 22:53.280 --> 22:58.230 but it's a loving practice for me that helps me to open up 22:58.230 --> 23:01.430 to doing something that is creative. 23:01.430 --> 23:05.440 So feeding your creativity during this time 23:05.440 --> 23:07.950 with beauty, things that you love to do 23:07.950 --> 23:11.150 that may not necessarily seem productive, 23:11.150 --> 23:12.700 but they're really essential 23:12.700 --> 23:15.610 to your inner emotional reservoir. 23:15.610 --> 23:18.530 And I think it's really important to give yourself 23:18.530 --> 23:22.170 at least 10 minutes a day where you're doing something 23:22.170 --> 23:23.930 that is just for you. 23:23.930 --> 23:25.640 And it's something that you love to do, 23:25.640 --> 23:29.530 whether it's doodling or cooking or singing, 23:29.530 --> 23:34.530 or making something new with scraps 23:34.630 --> 23:36.090 that you're finding around the house. 23:36.090 --> 23:38.630 So that was another one of the recommendations 23:38.630 --> 23:40.710 that we wanted to make to you. 23:40.710 --> 23:43.500 Also too, one of the most important things 23:43.500 --> 23:46.490 I think that we ever learn about ourselves 23:46.490 --> 23:48.480 and especially in relationships 23:48.480 --> 23:52.610 is how to use our creativity productively. 23:52.610 --> 23:54.580 One of the big things that we looked at 23:54.580 --> 23:56.150 in "Conscious Loving Ever After," 23:56.150 --> 23:59.000 it's a book about, primarily about how this, 23:59.000 --> 24:04.000 how to create magic at midlife and beyond in relationships. 24:04.260 --> 24:06.950 So it's based on work we've done with couples 24:06.950 --> 24:09.900 ranging in ages from 38, 40 years of age, 24:09.900 --> 24:12.590 up to 75, 80 years of age. 24:12.590 --> 24:16.080 And creativity becomes really important 24:16.080 --> 24:17.790 in the second half of life, 24:17.790 --> 24:21.660 because the way we say it is every breath you take 24:21.660 --> 24:25.390 after 40 or so is a breath of creativity 24:25.390 --> 24:27.600 or a breath of stagnation. 24:27.600 --> 24:30.030 So every choice you make, 24:30.030 --> 24:33.670 especially at midlife and beyond is about, 24:33.670 --> 24:35.840 am I opening up to something new? 24:35.840 --> 24:37.830 Am I generating something new? 24:37.830 --> 24:40.340 Am I learning something new? 24:40.340 --> 24:43.180 Or am I just going through the motions 24:43.180 --> 24:46.300 and riding on what has happened before? 24:46.300 --> 24:48.610 One of the things I've learned about human beings 24:48.610 --> 24:52.860 is the personality that gets us up to about age 40, 24:52.860 --> 24:55.460 we need to then grow a different personality 24:55.460 --> 24:58.080 that's the one that's going to go from 40 to 90, 24:58.080 --> 25:01.380 because a lot of times the (mouth whirring) 25:01.380 --> 25:04.510 push of life in your 20s and 30s, 25:04.510 --> 25:07.040 if you keep doing that in your 40s and 50s, 25:07.040 --> 25:08.840 really begins to eat up your body. 25:08.840 --> 25:10.590 And so at 40 or so, 25:10.590 --> 25:13.990 you need to learn how to open up and move through life 25:13.990 --> 25:16.120 in a more loving, mindful way. 25:16.120 --> 25:19.380 Otherwise you eat up your instrument. 25:19.380 --> 25:20.463 Mm, yeah. 25:21.330 --> 25:23.730 We have suggestions for you 25:23.730 --> 25:26.500 both in "Conscious Loving Ever After." 25:26.500 --> 25:31.350 We also have creative instructions and suggestions for you 25:31.350 --> 25:33.700 in "Conscious Loving Ever After" 25:33.700 --> 25:36.850 and on the foundation website, 25:36.850 --> 25:40.130 foundationforconsciousloving.org. 25:40.130 --> 25:42.340 So, one other thing I wanna mention 25:42.340 --> 25:47.340 that I think is a nutrient for everybody 25:47.880 --> 25:50.140 is appreciation. 25:50.140 --> 25:52.580 And it is probably the easiest, 25:52.580 --> 25:57.580 the most underutilized skill that humans have access to, 25:58.160 --> 26:01.740 and appreciating is not only just focusing 26:01.740 --> 26:06.130 on giving your sensitive awareness to being with someone. 26:06.130 --> 26:09.880 It's also focusing on what's emerging. 26:09.880 --> 26:14.500 What is a gift in this person using my senses 26:14.500 --> 26:17.830 to tune into what about this person 26:17.830 --> 26:19.700 can I really appreciate? 26:19.700 --> 26:24.650 So I do my best every day to be finding new things 26:24.650 --> 26:26.010 to appreciate about you. 26:26.010 --> 26:29.220 And I experienced that from you as well. 26:29.220 --> 26:32.650 So whether it's touch, or really using 26:32.650 --> 26:37.580 all of your different senses to appreciate your partner, 26:37.580 --> 26:40.310 'cause we know that successful 26:40.310 --> 26:44.560 thriving relationships have at least a five to one ratio 26:44.560 --> 26:48.210 of appreciations to criticisms or withdrawal. 26:48.210 --> 26:52.980 So your ability to grow your appreciation 26:52.980 --> 26:56.430 happens one appreciation at a time. 26:56.430 --> 26:59.540 And so if you were gonna do just one thing, 26:59.540 --> 27:01.410 that's what I would really suggest. 27:01.410 --> 27:03.700 And in "Conscious Loving Ever After," 27:03.700 --> 27:05.540 we have a little exercise for you. 27:05.540 --> 27:08.000 We call it customizing appreciation 27:08.000 --> 27:10.250 because not everybody likes to be appreciated 27:10.250 --> 27:11.380 in the same way. 27:11.380 --> 27:13.220 So we have a guideline for you, 27:13.220 --> 27:16.710 so you can deepen your appreciation for yourself 27:16.710 --> 27:19.880 and for others in a way that I guarantee you 27:19.880 --> 27:21.250 makes a huge difference, 27:21.250 --> 27:25.320 'cause people light up when they're seen, 27:25.320 --> 27:29.410 when you can presence them and notice something. 27:29.410 --> 27:33.550 I can see people expanding and kind of fluffing themselves. 27:33.550 --> 27:36.870 You can tell that that is just as important 27:36.870 --> 27:40.250 as food and water, giving that kind of appreciation. 27:40.250 --> 27:42.630 And also don't forget to appreciate 27:42.630 --> 27:43.580 yourself too. Exactly. 27:43.580 --> 27:47.350 Because ultimately the more loving you are to yourself 27:47.350 --> 27:48.970 in every possible way, 27:48.970 --> 27:51.930 the more you're going to be able to love other people 27:51.930 --> 27:53.893 in the way that they thrive on too. 27:54.841 --> 27:57.424 (lively music)