WEBVTT 00:09.083 --> 00:11.666 (upbeat music) 00:20.607 --> 00:21.993 Hi, I am Dr. Gary Chapman, 00:21.993 --> 00:23.323 author of "The Five Love Languages", 00:23.323 --> 00:26.496 and great to be with you guys in this conference. 00:27.833 --> 00:30.563 The last four months have been 00:30.563 --> 00:33.161 things I've never experienced in my life. 00:33.161 --> 00:35.053 (laughs) I don't know about you, 00:35.053 --> 00:37.143 but it's been very, very unique. 00:37.143 --> 00:38.343 In the middle of all this, 00:38.343 --> 00:39.496 I wrote a little book, 00:40.693 --> 00:41.866 about a hundred pages, 00:42.943 --> 00:46.570 on "Five Simple Ways To Strengthen Your Marriage. 00:46.570 --> 00:49.553 "When You're Sat Home Together". (laughs) 00:49.553 --> 00:52.533 I wanna share those with you today, 00:52.533 --> 00:54.543 because even if you're not sat at home, 00:54.543 --> 00:56.933 the principles still apply. 00:56.933 --> 01:01.933 Number one is, call a truce on verbal bombs. 01:05.153 --> 01:07.910 Some couples, this is the way of life. 01:07.910 --> 01:10.800 "You're irresponsible just like your father. 01:10.800 --> 01:13.783 "Put that phone down and listen to me." (laughs) 01:13.783 --> 01:15.820 One lady said to me, just recently she said, 01:15.820 --> 01:18.930 "Dr. Chapman, my husband called me lazy 01:18.930 --> 01:21.410 "because I didn't put a plastic bag 01:21.410 --> 01:23.010 "back in the trash can 01:23.010 --> 01:25.393 "after I took the trash out." 01:25.393 --> 01:27.403 And I'm thinking what's wrong with this guy? 01:27.403 --> 01:28.413 He should be thanking her 01:28.413 --> 01:31.446 for taking the trash out. (laughs) 01:32.603 --> 01:34.933 If you have a good marriage, 01:34.933 --> 01:36.273 every once in a while, 01:36.273 --> 01:38.933 you still throw a verbal bomb. 01:38.933 --> 01:39.863 And you know what happens 01:39.863 --> 01:43.433 when you throw a bomb at your spouse, it explodes 01:44.403 --> 01:47.003 and it hurts them emotionally, 01:47.003 --> 01:49.093 and it hurts the relationship. 01:49.093 --> 01:50.073 So what I'm saying is, 01:50.073 --> 01:51.613 if you wanna have a better relationship, 01:51.613 --> 01:52.573 why don't we just sit down 01:52.573 --> 01:57.090 and say, "Honey, why don't we just call a truce 01:57.090 --> 01:58.900 "on throwing verbal bombs?" 02:00.033 --> 02:01.693 We're hurting each other. 02:01.693 --> 02:03.353 So maybe for the next three weeks, 02:03.353 --> 02:08.123 let's just try not to throw bombs at each other. 02:08.123 --> 02:11.103 The first week you create a different atmosphere 02:11.103 --> 02:13.270 and then maybe you could say, 02:13.270 --> 02:14.360 "Honey, the next couple of weeks, 02:14.360 --> 02:16.060 "why don't we try this? 02:16.060 --> 02:18.390 "Now that we're not throwing bombs, 02:18.390 --> 02:20.940 "why don't we give each other a compliment 02:20.940 --> 02:23.580 "rather than criticism? 02:23.580 --> 02:25.733 "And let's see if that helps us." 02:25.733 --> 02:27.843 Now I shared that idea with a man 02:27.843 --> 02:32.313 and he said to me, "Gary, I know that would be good," 02:32.313 --> 02:35.340 he said, "but it doesn't come comfortable for me 02:35.340 --> 02:37.970 "to say things like that to my wife. 02:37.970 --> 02:39.573 "I don't know how to do that." 02:39.573 --> 02:42.610 I said, "Okay, here's your assignment. 02:42.610 --> 02:45.000 "I want you to get you a gratitude notebook. 02:45.000 --> 02:46.560 "I don't care what it looks like. 02:46.560 --> 02:48.940 "You just put at the top, Gratitude Notebook 02:48.940 --> 02:50.580 "and you put your wife's name. 02:50.580 --> 02:52.120 "And this week, you write down 02:52.120 --> 02:54.290 "three things you like about her." 02:55.360 --> 02:57.153 "Okay," he said, "I'll try." 02:57.153 --> 02:58.523 He comes back next week 02:58.523 --> 03:00.023 and here are his three things. 03:00.890 --> 03:02.770 "She's a good cook, 03:02.770 --> 03:03.913 "she's a good mother 03:05.050 --> 03:07.233 "and she's a good school teacher." 03:07.233 --> 03:08.803 I said, "That's good man!" 03:08.803 --> 03:10.953 And I took his list 03:10.953 --> 03:14.083 and I wrote these sentences out beside of them. 03:14.083 --> 03:16.230 On the one for a good cook, 03:16.230 --> 03:20.810 "Honey, I know I haven't told you about this very often, 03:20.810 --> 03:22.340 "but you're an excellent cook 03:22.340 --> 03:23.330 "and I really appreciate 03:23.330 --> 03:25.943 "all the meals you prepare for us." 03:25.943 --> 03:27.730 And then I wrote beside the other one, 03:27.730 --> 03:29.850 "Mary, I've been thinking about 03:29.850 --> 03:31.930 "what a wonderful mother you are 03:31.930 --> 03:33.870 "and, I just wanna thank you 03:33.870 --> 03:35.820 "for all that you do for our children." 03:36.693 --> 03:38.840 And beside the other one I wrote, 03:38.840 --> 03:41.100 "How did your teaching go this week? 03:41.100 --> 03:44.480 "I think the parents of the students that you teach 03:44.480 --> 03:46.090 "must be grateful for you. 03:46.090 --> 03:48.690 "Everything I hear is you're a great teacher." 03:49.743 --> 03:51.343 I wrote them out for him. 03:51.343 --> 03:52.790 I said, "Your assignment is to go home 03:52.790 --> 03:56.240 "and read them twice a day, every day, this week 03:56.240 --> 03:57.763 "and then come back." 03:57.763 --> 03:58.840 He came back and I said, 03:58.840 --> 03:59.950 "Okay, can you say them now 03:59.950 --> 04:02.903 "without looking at your notes?" And he did. 04:02.903 --> 04:04.973 It was haltingly but he did. 04:04.973 --> 04:06.630 I said, "Here's your assignment. 04:06.630 --> 04:08.620 "The next three weeks, each week, 04:08.620 --> 04:10.750 "you give her one of these, okay? 04:10.750 --> 04:11.583 "Just walk up to her 04:11.583 --> 04:13.383 "and say one of them." 04:13.383 --> 04:14.873 He came back in the end of the three weeks. 04:14.873 --> 04:16.679 I said, "How'd it go man?" 04:16.679 --> 04:19.103 (laughs) He said, "Dr. Chapman," 04:19.103 --> 04:21.433 he said, "it's just amazing what happened." 04:21.433 --> 04:24.123 He said, "The last week when I gave her the third one, 04:24.123 --> 04:27.203 she said to me, 'what's going on with you? 04:27.203 --> 04:28.233 'I've never heard you 04:28.233 --> 04:29.848 give me so many compliments.'" 04:29.848 --> 04:31.630 (laughs) He said, "Well honey, 04:31.630 --> 04:33.560 "I'm just trying to learn how to share with you 04:33.560 --> 04:35.853 "how much I appreciate you." 04:35.853 --> 04:39.810 And she said, "You are absolutely wonderful. 04:39.810 --> 04:41.833 "I love you so much." 04:41.833 --> 04:43.519 He said, "I hadn't heard that in a long time." 04:43.519 --> 04:47.103 (laughs) You see, when we stop the compliments 04:47.103 --> 04:50.523 and we start giving expressions of gratitude, 04:50.523 --> 04:53.933 we change the whole emotional climate in a marriage. 04:53.933 --> 04:55.843 I challenge you to try it. 04:55.843 --> 05:00.246 Second suggestion, tear down the emotional walls. 05:01.413 --> 05:03.763 You know how walls get built in a relationship? 05:04.703 --> 05:06.506 One block at a time. 05:07.703 --> 05:09.653 Something happens, we're critical 05:09.653 --> 05:11.763 or we do something or don't do something 05:11.763 --> 05:13.783 and we hurt the other person, 05:13.783 --> 05:15.873 and if we don't deal with it, 05:15.873 --> 05:18.533 it sits there as an emotional barrier 05:18.533 --> 05:20.333 between the two of us. 05:20.333 --> 05:21.853 And then there's another event 05:21.853 --> 05:23.633 and another block in the wall 05:23.633 --> 05:25.513 and another and another. 05:25.513 --> 05:30.513 And some couples now have a long wall, high and thick. 05:30.533 --> 05:32.213 And even if you don't have a wall 05:32.213 --> 05:34.596 from time to time, we do fail each other. 05:35.973 --> 05:38.213 So what I'm suggesting is this, 05:38.213 --> 05:41.336 why don't you tear down whatever wall exist? 05:42.383 --> 05:44.023 How do you do that? 05:44.023 --> 05:47.466 By apologizing and hopefully they'll forgive you. 05:48.373 --> 05:50.393 Now I know that most of us, 05:50.393 --> 05:52.813 when there's a problem in the relationship, 05:52.813 --> 05:55.953 in our mind, they're the problem. (laughs) 05:55.953 --> 05:57.880 And so we say, "Why should I apologize? 05:57.880 --> 05:58.990 "They're the problem." 06:00.103 --> 06:01.246 Well, are you perfect? 06:02.563 --> 06:05.303 I think most people agree were not perfect. 06:05.303 --> 06:07.733 So why don't you deal with your part? 06:07.733 --> 06:11.333 One lady said, "My husband is 95% of the problem." 06:11.333 --> 06:14.400 I said, "Well, that only leaves 5% for you. 06:14.400 --> 06:17.260 "So why don't you apologize for your 5% 06:17.260 --> 06:19.393 "and just see what happens?" 06:19.393 --> 06:21.293 You see, when you apologize 06:21.293 --> 06:23.823 for your part in the relationship, 06:23.823 --> 06:25.913 whether it's big or whether it's little, 06:25.913 --> 06:29.123 I can't guarantee you they'll immediately forgive you, 06:29.123 --> 06:30.563 but I can tell you this, 06:30.563 --> 06:31.713 they're gonna walk away 06:31.713 --> 06:33.360 and they're gonna be thinking, 06:33.360 --> 06:35.753 "Wow, this is different." 06:35.753 --> 06:37.883 They've been blaming me for years 06:37.883 --> 06:39.743 and now they're apologizing. 06:39.743 --> 06:43.573 You see, your behavior can touch them emotionally. 06:43.573 --> 06:44.453 You try it. 06:44.453 --> 06:48.983 Now apology alone does not restore the relationship, 06:48.983 --> 06:51.723 there has to be a response to the apology 06:51.723 --> 06:55.153 and the most positive response is forgiveness. 06:55.153 --> 06:59.026 And forgiveness means, "I remove the barrier. 07:00.450 --> 07:02.460 "I'm gonna pardon you. 07:02.460 --> 07:05.293 "Now our relationship can go forward." 07:05.293 --> 07:06.613 You see, it's not going forward 07:06.613 --> 07:08.583 as long as the wall is there 07:08.583 --> 07:10.903 but if you're willing to tear down the wall. 07:10.903 --> 07:12.503 And let me just say this, 07:12.503 --> 07:14.266 forgiveness is not a feeling. 07:15.113 --> 07:16.863 Maybe you don't feel like forgiving, 07:16.863 --> 07:18.153 maybe you've been hurt so much 07:18.153 --> 07:19.803 you don't feel like forgiving. 07:19.803 --> 07:22.276 Forgiveness is not a feeling, it's a choice. 07:23.123 --> 07:24.703 It's a choice to lift 07:24.703 --> 07:26.113 and remove the barrier 07:26.113 --> 07:28.643 so that the relationship can go forward. 07:28.643 --> 07:32.333 And forgiveness does not destroy the memory 07:32.333 --> 07:34.693 nor the emotions. 07:34.693 --> 07:37.113 Even if you choose to forgive him, 07:37.113 --> 07:38.633 when the memory comes back 07:38.633 --> 07:40.683 the emotions come back. 07:40.683 --> 07:42.533 What do you do with that? 07:42.533 --> 07:44.900 You remind yourself, 07:44.900 --> 07:47.140 "Okay, I'm remembering what happened. 07:47.140 --> 07:49.190 "I'm feeling hurt again. 07:49.190 --> 07:50.950 "but I forgave that. 07:50.950 --> 07:53.463 "Now I'm gonna do something good today." 07:53.463 --> 07:55.083 And you don't allow your emotions 07:55.083 --> 07:56.763 to control your behavior. 07:56.763 --> 08:00.293 In our culture, we have exalted emotions. 08:00.293 --> 08:03.803 You hear people say, "I've gotta be true to my emotions." 08:03.803 --> 08:05.420 You follow your negative emotions, 08:05.420 --> 08:08.753 and you will destroy any relationship. 08:08.753 --> 08:11.163 But you choose to go against negative emotions 08:11.163 --> 08:14.246 and do something positive, you build a relationship. 08:15.553 --> 08:19.313 Third suggestion, discover and speak 08:19.313 --> 08:21.683 your spouse's love language. 08:21.683 --> 08:22.753 Now you didn't think I'd talk 08:22.753 --> 08:24.594 and not mentioned the love languages, did you? 08:24.594 --> 08:28.413 (laughs) What I discovered years ago 08:28.413 --> 08:30.673 is that what makes one person feel loved, 08:30.673 --> 08:33.323 doesn't make another person feel loved. 08:33.323 --> 08:35.133 And I discovered in my research that 08:35.133 --> 08:37.823 there's fundamentally five languages of love. 08:37.823 --> 08:39.943 If you've read the book, this is a review, 08:39.943 --> 08:42.753 if you haven't, it's an introduction. Okay? 08:42.753 --> 08:45.533 Love language number one, words of affirmation. 08:45.533 --> 08:47.513 We've been talking about that one already. 08:47.513 --> 08:50.973 Just using words to affirm the other person. 08:50.973 --> 08:53.140 You can use encouraging words, 08:53.140 --> 08:55.553 "Honey, you're doing a great job with that." 08:55.553 --> 08:58.653 One guy said, "Dr. Chapman, during this pandemic, 08:58.653 --> 09:00.003 I just happened to pick up 09:00.003 --> 09:01.843 a sheet of paper on the desk 09:01.843 --> 09:04.613 and noticed my wife had written an article 09:04.613 --> 09:05.776 and I read it and said, 09:05.776 --> 09:07.713 'Man this thing is good.' 09:07.713 --> 09:10.763 So I said to her, 'Honey, this is really good. 09:10.763 --> 09:13.693 'Why don't you submit it to the local newspaper? 09:13.693 --> 09:15.023 'They'll publish this thing.'" 09:15.023 --> 09:17.243 She said, "Really, you think so?" 09:17.243 --> 09:19.243 And she did and they published it. 09:19.243 --> 09:21.983 You see, it just took encouraging words. 09:21.983 --> 09:24.743 So think about your spouses passion 09:24.743 --> 09:26.753 and give them encouraging words. 09:26.753 --> 09:28.413 So words of affirmation. 09:28.413 --> 09:31.283 Our second love language is acts of service. 09:31.283 --> 09:32.603 Doing something for them 09:32.603 --> 09:35.163 that you know they would like for you to do. 09:35.163 --> 09:37.613 This may be washing dishes, vacuuming floors, 09:37.613 --> 09:40.653 cooking meals, walking the dog, mowing the grass, 09:40.653 --> 09:42.043 changing the baby's diaper, 09:42.043 --> 09:45.223 anything that you know they would like for you to do. 09:45.223 --> 09:47.130 Remember the old saying, 09:47.130 --> 09:50.233 "Actions speak louder than words." 09:50.233 --> 09:51.723 If this is their love language, 09:51.723 --> 09:54.273 it's true, they will speak louder than words. 09:54.273 --> 09:57.653 And then, there is quality time. 09:57.653 --> 10:01.533 Giving them your undivided attention. 10:01.533 --> 10:02.413 I'm not talking about 10:02.413 --> 10:04.463 sitting on the couch watching television, 10:05.473 --> 10:06.993 someone else has your attention. 10:06.993 --> 10:08.703 I'm talking about TV is off, 10:08.703 --> 10:11.603 computer is down, we're not answering the phone, 10:11.603 --> 10:14.373 we're giving each other undivided attention. 10:14.373 --> 10:16.193 Now it doesn't have to always be sitting down, 10:16.193 --> 10:18.413 you can take a walk down the road together 10:18.413 --> 10:20.533 or go out and eat together. 10:20.533 --> 10:22.363 It's not necessarily even talking, 10:22.363 --> 10:24.183 it may be doing a project together, 10:24.183 --> 10:27.473 planting a garden in the front yard, a flower garden. 10:27.473 --> 10:29.573 The important thing's not the garden, 10:29.573 --> 10:31.643 it's that you're giving them your full attention 10:31.643 --> 10:34.256 to something they want to do. Quality time. 10:35.273 --> 10:38.263 Number four is gifts. 10:38.263 --> 10:41.883 It's universal to give gifts as an expression of love. 10:41.883 --> 10:44.433 The gift says, they were thinking about me, 10:44.433 --> 10:46.163 look what they got for me. 10:46.163 --> 10:48.963 And the gift doesn't have to be expensive. 10:48.963 --> 10:50.340 One guy told me just recently, he said 10:50.340 --> 10:53.160 "Dr. Chapman, I was taking a walk. 10:53.160 --> 10:55.090 "During the pandemic I was taking a walk 10:55.090 --> 10:56.720 "and I saw a bird feather, 10:56.720 --> 10:59.190 "and I picked it up and I took it home. 10:59.190 --> 11:01.073 "And I said to her, 'Honey, 11:01.073 --> 11:03.306 'I was walking today and I found this bird feather. 11:03.306 --> 11:04.923 'And it reminded me of you. 11:04.923 --> 11:09.443 'You are the wind beneath my wings, girl 11:09.443 --> 11:13.402 'and I want you to have this as a reminder.' (cheers) 11:13.402 --> 11:16.093 (laughs) It was a gift and words of affirmation. 11:16.093 --> 11:17.903 He had a home run. (laughs) 11:17.903 --> 11:19.706 And then there's physical touch. 11:21.441 --> 11:23.933 And this is holding hands and kissing and embracing 11:23.933 --> 11:25.613 and the whole sexual part of marriage, 11:25.613 --> 11:26.803 arm around the shoulder, 11:26.803 --> 11:28.053 putting your hand on their leg 11:28.053 --> 11:31.403 as you drive down the road, just physical touch. 11:31.403 --> 11:33.193 And here's the basic concept, 11:33.193 --> 11:34.713 out of those five languages. 11:34.713 --> 11:38.063 Each of us has a primary love language. 11:38.063 --> 11:41.623 One of these speaks more deeply to us emotionally 11:41.623 --> 11:42.963 than the other four. 11:42.963 --> 11:45.583 Now we can receive love in all five languages, 11:45.583 --> 11:48.933 but one of them really communicates love to us. 11:48.933 --> 11:50.663 Seldom does a husband 11:50.663 --> 11:52.513 and wife have the same love language. 11:53.353 --> 11:55.823 So you wanna learn her language, learn his language 11:55.823 --> 11:57.943 and start speaking it on a regular basis 11:57.943 --> 12:00.933 and you fill the love tank. 12:00.933 --> 12:04.433 Everybody agrees our deepest emotional need 12:04.433 --> 12:07.433 on the human level, is the need to feel loved 12:07.433 --> 12:09.873 by the significant people in our lives. 12:09.873 --> 12:13.583 If you feel loved by your spouse, life is beautiful. 12:13.583 --> 12:17.883 If you don't feel love, life can look pretty dark. 12:17.883 --> 12:19.653 So I want to challenge you. 12:19.653 --> 12:22.203 If you wanna learn each other's love language, 12:22.203 --> 12:24.693 you can go to http://www.fivelovelanguages.com. 12:24.693 --> 12:27.653 The number five, https://www.fivelovelanguages.com, 12:27.653 --> 12:29.113 take a free quiz. 12:29.113 --> 12:31.493 There's one for married couples, one for single adults, 12:31.493 --> 12:33.963 one for teenagers, one for children, 12:33.963 --> 12:36.903 learn the love language of everyone in your family 12:36.903 --> 12:38.833 and make sure they know each other's love language. 12:38.833 --> 12:40.863 You will change the emotional climate, 12:40.863 --> 12:41.893 not only in the marriage 12:41.893 --> 12:43.443 but in the whole family. 12:43.443 --> 12:45.223 Incidentally, this also works 12:45.223 --> 12:47.633 in other human relationships, okay? 12:47.633 --> 12:52.633 So, number four is learning the value of working as a team. 12:57.733 --> 12:59.063 We all have to face this 12:59.063 --> 13:01.003 when we first get married. 13:01.003 --> 13:02.743 In fact, one of the things I do for couples 13:02.743 --> 13:04.810 before they get married, I say, 13:04.810 --> 13:06.153 "Make a list of all the things 13:06.153 --> 13:08.933 "that will have to be done after you get married." 13:08.933 --> 13:10.203 Somebody's gotta buy the grocery, 13:10.203 --> 13:11.123 somebody's gotta cook, 13:11.123 --> 13:12.383 somebody's gotta wash the dishes, 13:12.383 --> 13:16.126 vacuum the floor, clean the toilet, walk the dog. 13:17.388 --> 13:19.093 A whole bunch of things have to be done. 13:19.093 --> 13:20.733 Make a list of all those things 13:20.733 --> 13:22.933 and then you take the list separately 13:23.833 --> 13:26.483 and she puts her initials, 13:26.483 --> 13:29.133 besides the ones she thinks she will do. 13:29.133 --> 13:30.344 And he puts his initials 13:30.344 --> 13:32.816 beside the ones he thinks he will do. 13:34.213 --> 13:37.113 And then you come back and compare your list 13:37.113 --> 13:40.143 and you might agree on half of 'em, maybe even more, 13:40.143 --> 13:43.183 but the others, he thought she would do it 13:43.183 --> 13:44.853 and she thought he would do it. 13:44.853 --> 13:46.943 So we have to negotiate. 13:46.943 --> 13:49.173 We're on the same team, 13:49.173 --> 13:51.543 so we use team members to accomplish the things 13:51.543 --> 13:52.646 that need to be done. 13:53.573 --> 13:56.693 In athletics, in sports, 13:56.693 --> 13:58.833 they don't all play the same role, 13:58.833 --> 14:00.893 but they all have the same objective. 14:00.893 --> 14:02.523 They wanna win the game. (chuckles) 14:02.523 --> 14:04.613 Well, we wanna have a winning marriage. 14:04.613 --> 14:06.263 So now, as I said, 14:06.263 --> 14:07.783 most couples have figured this out 14:07.783 --> 14:10.623 in the first two or three years of marriage. 14:10.623 --> 14:14.793 Then the pandemic comes, everything is changed. 14:14.793 --> 14:18.243 The whole playing field is now changed. 14:18.243 --> 14:22.173 So it's time to rethink our roles. 14:22.173 --> 14:25.683 For example, here's a family, 14:25.683 --> 14:27.446 husband, wife and two children, 14:28.463 --> 14:31.253 the plan they had before the pandemic was 14:31.253 --> 14:34.943 she would fix breakfast for the children, for the family. 14:34.943 --> 14:36.883 and then she went off to work. 14:36.883 --> 14:40.313 He would help the children get ready to go to work 14:40.313 --> 14:44.173 and then he would drop them off as he went to work. 14:44.173 --> 14:45.256 It was working fine. 14:46.383 --> 14:49.163 Pandemic set in, the kids are at home now, 14:49.163 --> 14:52.053 they're not in school, nobody has to take them to school. 14:52.053 --> 14:54.563 She is not a morning person by nature. 14:54.563 --> 14:56.333 She's pushing herself to get up 14:56.333 --> 14:57.603 and cook breakfast. 14:57.603 --> 15:00.933 So the first morning she's sleeping in 15:00.933 --> 15:02.273 and the husband's in the kitchen 15:02.273 --> 15:04.720 with the kids saying, "Where's mama?" (laughs) 15:04.720 --> 15:07.373 "Where's mama?" (laughs) 15:07.373 --> 15:09.413 Maybe it's time to rethink the role. 15:09.413 --> 15:12.983 He is a morning person, he's alive in the morning, 15:12.983 --> 15:14.440 so maybe he needs to say to her 15:14.440 --> 15:17.260 "Honey, I just had this thought, 15:17.260 --> 15:18.720 "would it be helpful to you 15:18.720 --> 15:21.410 "if during this time I fixed breakfast for the kids 15:21.410 --> 15:23.353 "and you could sleep in?" 15:23.353 --> 15:24.793 Whew! 15:24.793 --> 15:28.163 I have an idea that's gonna be good for her. 15:28.163 --> 15:30.513 So maybe we need to change our role 15:30.513 --> 15:34.073 when things change in the family structure. 15:34.073 --> 15:36.523 So, I would suggest that 15:36.523 --> 15:38.246 you might say to your spouse, 15:39.220 --> 15:42.120 "Honey, is there something that I could do 15:42.120 --> 15:43.870 "that would make your life easier?" 15:45.023 --> 15:47.393 And if it is I'll guarantee you they'll tell you. 15:47.393 --> 15:49.193 If you ask, they'll tell you, 15:49.193 --> 15:51.953 and you can reassess. 15:51.953 --> 15:53.023 We have different gifts, 15:53.023 --> 15:54.113 we have different abilities, 15:54.113 --> 15:55.853 we have different passions 15:55.853 --> 15:57.663 but we're on the same team. 15:57.663 --> 16:01.833 So let's not be enemies like opposing teams, 16:01.833 --> 16:03.483 let's be on the same team 16:03.483 --> 16:06.853 and let's work together to accomplish things 16:06.853 --> 16:09.173 that both of us would like to accomplish. 16:09.173 --> 16:12.156 And then the last idea that I discussed in the book is, 16:13.283 --> 16:16.723 what if we have a daily sit down 16:16.723 --> 16:18.176 and listen time. 16:19.373 --> 16:23.383 Typically we say, "Let's sit down and talk." 16:23.383 --> 16:24.830 Which usually means, 16:24.830 --> 16:28.643 "I've got something I want to tell you." (laughs) 16:28.643 --> 16:30.153 No, we need to have a sit down 16:30.153 --> 16:31.973 and a listen time. 16:31.973 --> 16:34.273 We're not good listeners most of us. 16:34.273 --> 16:36.333 So what if you have a sit down and listen time, 16:36.333 --> 16:38.123 it can be 15 minutes a day. 16:38.123 --> 16:40.300 And you say, "Honey, tell me some of the things 16:40.300 --> 16:41.920 "you've been thinking today 16:41.920 --> 16:44.263 "and what you've been feeling." 16:44.263 --> 16:45.096 Now, one lady said, 16:45.096 --> 16:46.850 "Well, we're in the house all day together, 16:46.850 --> 16:49.573 "we see and know what each other's doing." 16:49.573 --> 16:50.950 I said, "Sure you do, 16:50.950 --> 16:52.950 "but you don't know what they're thinking. 16:52.950 --> 16:55.173 "And you don't know what they're feeling." 16:55.173 --> 16:56.300 So what if you do say is, 16:56.300 --> 16:58.780 "Honey what had been some of your thoughts today? 16:58.780 --> 17:00.593 "What have you been feeling today?" 17:00.593 --> 17:01.503 And you listen to them, 17:01.503 --> 17:04.720 ask questions to clarify and affirm them, 17:04.720 --> 17:06.680 "Honey, I can see how you'd feel that way. 17:06.680 --> 17:08.533 "Yeah, that makes sense to me." 17:08.533 --> 17:10.213 And then they listen to you. 17:10.213 --> 17:14.573 It's staying emotionally connected with each other. 17:14.573 --> 17:18.273 And then if you have conflicts 17:18.273 --> 17:20.846 and every couple has conflicts, 17:21.753 --> 17:25.803 why don't we have once a week, a daily sit down 17:25.803 --> 17:27.543 and listen to each other 17:27.543 --> 17:29.463 and let's solve our conflict. 17:29.463 --> 17:32.303 Don't do two, just one, one a week, okay? 17:32.303 --> 17:33.453 Now by conflict I mean, 17:33.453 --> 17:35.893 the two of you disagree on something 17:35.893 --> 17:37.693 and you both feel strongly about it. 17:38.614 --> 17:40.193 See, many couples have never learned 17:40.193 --> 17:41.343 how to solve conflicts. 17:41.343 --> 17:43.523 Every conflict is an argument. 17:43.523 --> 17:45.603 In fact, my research indicates 17:45.603 --> 17:48.643 the average person in a conflict situation 17:48.643 --> 17:50.280 will listen to the other person 17:50.280 --> 17:53.053 17 seconds before they interrupt 17:53.053 --> 17:54.010 and give their idea. 17:54.010 --> 17:56.363 "Well, that's not right and (speaking gibberish)." 17:56.363 --> 18:00.303 And now we're enemies, now fighting each other. 18:00.303 --> 18:01.463 Did you ever stop to think, 18:01.463 --> 18:06.463 if you win an argument with your spouse, they lost. 18:06.463 --> 18:08.273 It's no fun to live with a loser 18:08.273 --> 18:10.433 so why would you create one? 18:10.433 --> 18:13.673 So what I'm suggesting is that 18:13.673 --> 18:15.303 you sit down once a week 18:15.303 --> 18:16.983 and you need to allow at least 30 minutes, 18:16.983 --> 18:19.033 it might take longer than that, 18:19.033 --> 18:19.890 and you say, "Okay honey, 18:19.890 --> 18:22.010 "I know we disagree on this, 18:22.010 --> 18:24.380 "so why don't you start if you like, 18:24.380 --> 18:26.000 "or I'll start it doesn't matter?" 18:26.000 --> 18:27.820 "And you can take five minutes or 10 minutes, 18:27.820 --> 18:29.210 "however long you need to take. 18:29.210 --> 18:31.680 "And you tell me your perspective. 18:31.680 --> 18:33.340 "I wanna hear it again, 18:33.340 --> 18:35.020 "what you think we should do 18:35.020 --> 18:37.063 "and why you think we should do it." 18:37.063 --> 18:38.603 And so you let them tell you, 18:38.603 --> 18:40.240 and then you ask questions, 18:40.240 --> 18:41.940 "Honey is this what you're saying? 18:41.940 --> 18:43.340 "I think I'm understanding it. 18:43.340 --> 18:44.693 "Is this what you're saying?" 18:44.693 --> 18:47.013 And, "Is this what you're feeling?" 18:47.013 --> 18:49.493 And once you've listened long enough, 18:49.493 --> 18:52.203 you listen empathetically. 18:52.203 --> 18:54.843 That is, you're not listening to shoot back, 18:54.843 --> 18:57.073 you're listening to try to understand 18:57.073 --> 18:59.273 what they're thinking, what they're feeling. 18:59.273 --> 19:00.523 And then you say to them, 19:02.060 --> 19:04.656 "Honey, I can see how that makes sense. 19:05.970 --> 19:09.143 "Now, let me share my side." 19:09.143 --> 19:11.043 And then you take time to share your side, 19:11.043 --> 19:13.040 your perspective, what you think should be done 19:13.040 --> 19:14.693 and why you think it should be done 19:14.693 --> 19:16.533 and what you're feeling 19:16.533 --> 19:18.363 and they listen to you in the same way 19:18.363 --> 19:20.383 and then they affirm you. 19:20.383 --> 19:22.803 Now you're not enemies. 19:22.803 --> 19:24.383 You still disagree 19:24.383 --> 19:26.553 but you're not enemies, you're not fighting, 19:26.553 --> 19:28.793 you're not trying to convince them that you're right 19:28.793 --> 19:30.293 and they're wrong. 19:30.293 --> 19:31.126 And then you can say, 19:31.126 --> 19:33.403 "Honey, how can we solve the problem?" 19:33.403 --> 19:34.803 And you look for a solution. 19:35.703 --> 19:38.903 And there's three basic ways you can solve a solution. 19:38.903 --> 19:40.093 One is, that one of you 19:40.093 --> 19:42.203 will decide to go to the other side. 19:42.203 --> 19:43.036 And you just say, 19:43.036 --> 19:44.616 "Honey, I think in this situation, 19:45.650 --> 19:47.415 "I think I'm gonna agree with you 19:47.415 --> 19:48.993 "and let's just do what you have in mind." 19:48.993 --> 19:50.933 Yeah, you can honestly say that sometimes, 19:50.933 --> 19:52.563 but sometimes you can't. 19:52.563 --> 19:55.463 Sometimes we have to find something in the middle. 19:55.463 --> 19:57.693 And so I give a little, you give a little, 19:57.693 --> 19:59.323 and we meet in the middle. 19:59.323 --> 20:02.513 For example, I remember during this pandemic, 20:02.513 --> 20:06.093 a couple was discussing about something that 20:06.093 --> 20:07.753 his mother had proposed. 20:07.753 --> 20:10.013 She had asked if the two children 20:10.013 --> 20:11.033 could come to their house 20:11.033 --> 20:13.183 and spend a weekend. 20:13.183 --> 20:14.810 And the husband was thinking, 20:14.810 --> 20:16.180 "Boy, this is a good idea. 20:16.180 --> 20:17.920 "Cause my wife is stressed out. 20:17.920 --> 20:20.360 "She will really like the opportunity 20:20.360 --> 20:21.940 "of having the kids at somebody else's house 20:21.940 --> 20:22.773 "for a couple of days." 20:22.773 --> 20:23.993 So he shared it with her, 20:25.283 --> 20:27.453 but that was not what she thought. 20:27.453 --> 20:28.990 She said, "Oh honey, no! 20:28.990 --> 20:31.016 "I don't want the kids over there with them. 20:31.016 --> 20:34.350 "They could get COVID-19. No! 20:34.350 --> 20:36.733 "I wanna keep the kids here." 20:36.733 --> 20:39.833 So they obviously had a conflict 20:39.833 --> 20:41.783 but they sat down and listened to each other. 20:41.783 --> 20:44.023 She shared her perspective 20:44.023 --> 20:46.790 and he affirmed, "I can see you honey, 20:46.790 --> 20:48.050 "why you would feel that way. 20:48.050 --> 20:49.593 "It makes sense, yeah." 20:49.593 --> 20:51.913 And she heard his perspective 20:51.913 --> 20:55.773 that he wanted to (chuckles) give her relief. 20:55.773 --> 20:57.833 He was thinking about her 20:57.833 --> 21:00.210 and she heard his reply and said, 21:00.210 --> 21:02.360 "Honey, I appreciate that, I really do 21:02.360 --> 21:06.583 "but I just don't don't think I can do that." 21:06.583 --> 21:09.713 And so he said, "Okay, then let's try to solve it." 21:09.713 --> 21:11.423 So they sat there and talked 21:11.423 --> 21:14.140 and finally he came up with this idea, 21:14.140 --> 21:18.506 "Honey, what if I take the kids on a hike all day Saturday. 21:19.380 --> 21:22.040 "Just the kids and me, all day hike 21:22.040 --> 21:23.440 "and we'll pack a picnic lunch 21:23.440 --> 21:25.190 "and we'll just have a great time." 21:27.120 --> 21:30.030 "Oh," she said, "and give me the whole day free?" 21:30.030 --> 21:30.863 "Yeah!" 21:32.211 --> 21:34.623 "Yeah, I can go for that." she said. 21:34.623 --> 21:39.363 So they found a solution to the conflict. 21:39.363 --> 21:41.913 All solutions have a conflict. 21:41.913 --> 21:43.283 We don't always find them 21:43.283 --> 21:45.483 because we're not always listening 21:45.483 --> 21:47.413 and affirming the other person. 21:47.413 --> 21:49.866 Well, I hope those five ideas will help you. 21:50.753 --> 21:52.543 Whether you are in a good marriage, 21:52.543 --> 21:53.423 a healthy marriage, 21:53.423 --> 21:55.033 or whether you're struggling, 21:55.033 --> 21:56.573 you apply those five things. 21:56.573 --> 21:58.183 I think you're gonna find 21:58.183 --> 22:00.063 your marriage is gonna be growing. 22:00.063 --> 22:03.623 Listen, marriages either grow or they regress, 22:03.623 --> 22:04.876 they never stand still. 22:06.363 --> 22:08.900 So if you choose an attitude of growth, 22:08.900 --> 22:11.240 "We want to have a better marriage. 22:11.240 --> 22:13.073 "And I'm gonna take the initiative." 22:13.073 --> 22:14.923 Now I wanna just say this in closing, 22:15.913 --> 22:18.683 many times you'll share one of these ideas with your spouse 22:18.683 --> 22:21.513 and try to get them to go along with you in the idea 22:21.513 --> 22:22.710 and they'll say, "I don't wanna have anything 22:22.710 --> 22:23.720 "to do with that." 22:25.243 --> 22:27.543 That's okay. They are where they are. 22:27.543 --> 22:28.743 What about you doing it? 22:29.843 --> 22:32.653 So you call the truce for your word, 22:32.653 --> 22:34.323 you're not gonna throw any more bombs. 22:34.323 --> 22:36.653 You start giving compliments. 22:36.653 --> 22:41.363 You decide, "I'm gonna apologize for my failures." 22:41.363 --> 22:43.736 You start speaking their love language. 22:44.643 --> 22:47.933 You're going to create a different atmosphere in that home 22:47.933 --> 22:51.073 and I can tell you, there's a good chance 22:51.073 --> 22:52.233 your spouse is gonna begin 22:52.233 --> 22:53.816 to respond in a positive way. 22:54.693 --> 22:56.253 So I hope you'll find this helpful 22:56.253 --> 22:58.823 and I hope if you don't know your spouse's love language, 22:58.823 --> 23:00.106 you'll check it out, 23:00.106 --> 23:01.423 https://www.fivelovelanguages.com. 23:01.423 --> 23:03.133 It's a free quiz 23:03.133 --> 23:05.423 and I hope that you'll continue growing, 23:05.423 --> 23:06.793 not only your marriage, 23:06.793 --> 23:09.823 but if you have children, in your parent-child relationships 23:09.823 --> 23:13.773 and in your relationships with friends at work or otherwise. 23:13.773 --> 23:17.010 Good to be with you. (bouncy music)