WEBVTT 00:08.472 --> 00:11.055 (upbeat music) 00:18.620 --> 00:19.897 Hi, I'm Pam Farrel. 00:19.897 --> 00:21.110 And I'm Bill Farrel. 00:21.110 --> 00:24.080 And we are the co directors of Love-Wise, 00:24.080 --> 00:26.350 we'd like to say we park ourselves on the corner 00:26.350 --> 00:29.140 of God's love and God's wisdom, 00:29.140 --> 00:32.060 helping people with their most vital relationships. 00:32.060 --> 00:34.829 And we just want to say, ahoy you're, 00:34.829 --> 00:36.650 we're coming from our boats. 00:36.650 --> 00:41.460 So we want you to feel free to feel comfortable, 00:41.460 --> 00:43.260 like you're on vacation. 00:43.260 --> 00:44.910 And we've spent most of our life 00:44.910 --> 00:47.510 helping people figure out how relationships work. 00:47.510 --> 00:49.950 And one of the things we discovered along the way 00:49.950 --> 00:52.264 is that one of the big issues in relationships 00:52.264 --> 00:53.960 are your differences, 00:53.960 --> 00:56.490 and your differences they really do fascinate you 00:56.490 --> 00:58.260 like I personally am really glad 00:58.260 --> 01:00.760 that Pam looks like a woman that has been the 01:00.760 --> 01:02.260 source of a lot of joy in my life. 01:02.260 --> 01:04.810 And now there are times I'd like to come over 01:04.810 --> 01:06.380 and rearrange the way she thinks 01:06.380 --> 01:09.170 so I understand her a little bit better. 01:09.170 --> 01:10.920 But if she had to give up the way she looks 01:10.920 --> 01:12.600 in order for me to understand her better, 01:12.600 --> 01:14.570 I would forego that in a heartbeat. 01:14.570 --> 01:17.320 Because these differences, they fascinate us. 01:17.320 --> 01:19.270 But they also frustrate us. 01:19.270 --> 01:20.900 And so we have to know what to do with them. 01:20.900 --> 01:23.100 We know these differences are deliberate because 01:23.100 --> 01:23.933 in Genesis 1:27, 01:23.933 --> 01:27.830 we're told God created man in his own image, 01:27.830 --> 01:32.440 in the image of God, He created him male and female, 01:32.440 --> 01:33.850 He created them. 01:33.850 --> 01:36.060 And so the real question comes, 01:36.060 --> 01:38.720 how do we work with the differences that God built 01:38.720 --> 01:40.350 into our relationships? 01:40.350 --> 01:42.380 Because it goes back to your DNA, 01:42.380 --> 01:45.860 you know xx, xy, estrogen, testosterone? 01:45.860 --> 01:47.880 Yap, it impacts us. 01:47.880 --> 01:50.060 And as we were working with relationships, 01:50.060 --> 01:53.250 we started looking for how do we find a male friendly way 01:53.250 --> 01:55.790 to describe this, because getting women involved 01:55.790 --> 01:57.300 in discussion about relationship seems 01:57.300 --> 01:59.300 to be pretty simple and straightforward. 01:59.300 --> 02:01.480 Getting guys involved a little bit harder. 02:01.480 --> 02:03.860 So we were looking for a male friendly way 02:03.860 --> 02:06.930 to describe the differences between men and women. 02:06.930 --> 02:08.860 And the we came up with the word picture 02:08.860 --> 02:10.670 that we think sums it up pretty well. 02:10.670 --> 02:13.398 And that word picture is, men are like waffles. 02:13.398 --> 02:16.924 And women are like spaghetti. 02:16.924 --> 02:18.750 So, so let me talk about the men first. 02:18.750 --> 02:22.110 If you were to diagram the way typical man processes 02:22.110 --> 02:24.950 information in life, it actually looks like a waffle. 02:24.950 --> 02:26.150 There's a bunch of boxes, 02:26.150 --> 02:28.890 all those boxes are separated from one another by walls. 02:28.890 --> 02:32.010 And the way we as men operate is the first issue in life 02:32.010 --> 02:33.320 goes in the first box. 02:33.320 --> 02:35.850 The second issue in life goes in the second box. 02:35.850 --> 02:39.150 The third issue in life goes in the third box, and so on. 02:39.150 --> 02:42.710 And we as men, we spend time in one box at a time and 02:42.710 --> 02:43.920 one box only. 02:43.920 --> 02:47.961 So when a man is at work, he is literally at work. 02:47.961 --> 02:50.210 When a man is out in the yard, doing yard work. 02:50.210 --> 02:53.180 He is in the yard, doing yard work 02:53.180 --> 02:54.550 When he's washing the boat, 02:54.550 --> 02:55.890 he's washing the boat. 02:55.890 --> 02:57.550 And when a man's watching TV, 02:57.550 --> 02:59.646 Hello, hello. 02:59.646 --> 03:00.860 = [Bill Farrel} He's just watching TV. 03:00.860 --> 03:03.940 We do one thing at a time, and one thing only. 03:03.940 --> 03:08.140 Now as we mature, we do jump boxes faster than we used to. 03:08.140 --> 03:10.790 So at times, we kind of imitate multitasking, 03:10.790 --> 03:13.900 but in reality, we're just jumping from one box to another 03:13.900 --> 03:15.860 faster than we used to. 03:15.860 --> 03:19.810 And because of this single focus that us men bring to life, 03:19.810 --> 03:22.190 we are problem solvers by nature. 03:22.190 --> 03:24.810 The way that we like to operate is we go into a box, 03:24.810 --> 03:27.600 figure out what the problem is, assign a solution to it, 03:27.600 --> 03:29.540 and then we move on. 03:29.540 --> 03:31.627 And if we get to a box, and we see what the problem is, 03:31.627 --> 03:33.900 and we don't know what the solution is, 03:33.900 --> 03:35.660 we just move on. 03:35.660 --> 03:38.520 Because we cannot possibly think of a reason 03:38.520 --> 03:41.780 to spend time on a problem that we don't have an answer for. 03:41.780 --> 03:45.200 And for part of your life, folks, this is really valuable. 03:45.200 --> 03:47.230 Because your family needs that single focus 03:47.230 --> 03:49.150 to this men naturally come by, 03:49.150 --> 03:52.405 and the workplace, the community, churches, organizations, 03:52.405 --> 03:56.460 all need that single focus that us men bring to life. 03:56.460 --> 03:58.878 But it creates some struggles 03:58.878 --> 04:00.810 in your most important relationships 04:00.810 --> 04:02.400 because well because you ladies 04:02.400 --> 04:03.780 just don't process like a waffle, 04:03.780 --> 04:05.970 Right, like social scientists say 04:05.970 --> 04:08.245 that men compartmentalize and women into great, 04:08.245 --> 04:10.830 but nobody really talks like that. 04:10.830 --> 04:13.950 And so if you look at the way our brain is wired, 04:13.950 --> 04:15.730 we actually have more connections 04:15.730 --> 04:17.802 between the two hemispheres of our brain. 04:17.802 --> 04:20.550 And so if you look at the way our brain is wired, 04:20.550 --> 04:23.605 it kind of looks like, a one noodle 04:23.605 --> 04:25.380 laying on a plate of spaghetti. 04:25.380 --> 04:27.390 If you follow that noodle around that plate, 04:27.390 --> 04:29.510 it looks like it touches pretty much every other noodle 04:29.510 --> 04:30.343 on the plate. 04:30.343 --> 04:33.070 And that's the same way we women process life. 04:33.070 --> 04:34.660 Is we travel through life, 04:34.660 --> 04:37.280 making emotional connections to the people and things 04:37.280 --> 04:38.340 that matter most to us. 04:38.340 --> 04:42.230 And so by nature, we're really awesome at multitasking 04:42.230 --> 04:44.980 or sometimes today, it's called toggle tasking, 04:44.980 --> 04:46.477 jumping from thing to thing to thing to thing, 04:46.477 --> 04:49.520 and we can be on the phone with our friend and her life 04:49.520 --> 04:53.430 is all falling apart and we're watching TV 04:53.430 --> 04:55.020 and there's Dr.Phil and he's saying, 04:55.020 --> 04:56.280 how's that working for you? 04:56.280 --> 04:58.430 So we're like, how's that working for you, honey? 04:58.430 --> 05:00.420 Oh, honey, what do you need to do is you need 05:00.420 --> 05:02.890 to turn tune into this awesome marriage summit. 05:02.890 --> 05:04.340 Yeah, I'll send you the link. 05:05.217 --> 05:09.370 At the same time, we are cooking dinner, 05:09.370 --> 05:12.410 we have a load in the washer, load in the dryer, 05:12.410 --> 05:15.940 and we can open and shut the oven door with our foot, 05:15.940 --> 05:17.053 can't we the girls yes. 05:17.053 --> 05:17.886 Yeah 05:17.886 --> 05:18.920 We're awesome at that 05:18.920 --> 05:20.420 whole multitasking thing. 05:20.420 --> 05:22.963 But when it comes to communication, 05:22.963 --> 05:25.509 that multitasking or toggle tasking, 05:25.509 --> 05:27.860 jumping from thing to thing to thing can 05:27.860 --> 05:31.901 sometimes drive the men in our world, our husband, our dad, 05:31.901 --> 05:32.734 the guy we're dating, male co-workers or brother, 05:32.734 --> 05:37.734 you know might drive them just a little bit crazy 'cause 05:38.290 --> 05:40.320 that's not how they process their life. 05:40.320 --> 05:41.380 And understand ladies, 05:41.380 --> 05:43.743 we really do admire this about you. 05:43.743 --> 05:45.840 But it gets really frustrating to us 05:45.840 --> 05:47.400 when we have conversations with you 05:47.400 --> 05:49.520 that sound like, hey honey how's your truck running? 05:49.520 --> 05:51.180 You know, like I thought about your truck this week 05:51.180 --> 05:53.500 because I was, I drove by your favorite truck store 05:53.500 --> 05:55.250 because I was on my way to go find a new outfit 05:55.250 --> 05:57.280 because I found this outfit that I knew 05:57.280 --> 05:58.350 was gonna look really good on me 05:58.350 --> 05:59.500 because last year we learned all 05:59.500 --> 06:00.447 about what colors look good on you 06:00.447 --> 06:01.810 and what colors don't look good on you. 06:01.810 --> 06:03.630 And I figured out I was a spring pilot and 06:03.630 --> 06:04.910 so I found this outfit that I knew 06:04.910 --> 06:06.460 was just gonna look really good on me. 06:06.460 --> 06:08.790 And when I know that I look good like it really good thing 06:08.790 --> 06:10.410 because then my confidence level is higher. 06:10.410 --> 06:12.510 Oh my confidence is up I think clear 06:12.510 --> 06:14.340 and then I make better decisions that makes me easier 06:14.340 --> 06:15.690 to live with and besides, 06:15.690 --> 06:17.540 it was on sale so I was gonna surprise you 06:17.540 --> 06:18.373 with it so I love it 06:18.373 --> 06:19.880 when you go, oh baby You look really good in 06:19.880 --> 06:22.720 that outfit and you know what it was the same color 06:22.720 --> 06:25.609 that the Queen wore at Megan Merkle's wedding. 06:25.609 --> 06:27.640 Just recently I think that's so funny. 06:27.640 --> 06:29.890 You mean the queen, we share the same color palette, 06:29.890 --> 06:31.900 but like you probably don't really think that 06:31.900 --> 06:33.140 that's all that interesting. 06:33.140 --> 06:34.520 But I know you like sports. 06:34.520 --> 06:36.560 So you remember the last winter Olympics, 06:36.560 --> 06:37.393 you remember that? 06:37.393 --> 06:39.660 There was that race on the ice with the three ladies 06:39.660 --> 06:40.740 that were going around. 06:40.740 --> 06:42.540 And they were taking turns leading at the end 06:42.540 --> 06:43.750 that one just fell that at the end 06:43.750 --> 06:45.460 she slid right across the finish line. 06:45.460 --> 06:46.760 And I thought was so sad. 06:46.760 --> 06:48.720 You are trained for four years for the Olympics, 06:48.720 --> 06:50.386 And she just fell out at the end. 06:50.386 --> 06:51.960 It's just such a sad thing, and it reminded me 06:51.960 --> 06:54.080 that a lot of our friends have been falling down 06:54.080 --> 06:55.010 in their life right now. 06:55.010 --> 06:57.110 And so you think we just take a quick moment right now 06:57.110 --> 06:58.473 and pray for our friends? 06:59.810 --> 07:01.760 Now ladies, when we have conversations with you, 07:01.760 --> 07:02.940 that sounds like that. 07:02.940 --> 07:06.010 We are frantically jumping boxes trying to figure out where 07:06.010 --> 07:08.020 this conversation is going? 07:08.020 --> 07:10.860 While you think we're praying for the friends, 07:10.860 --> 07:12.770 what we're really thinking is, 07:12.770 --> 07:14.720 so what about my truck? 07:14.720 --> 07:16.240 Because we figured you brought up for a reason 07:16.240 --> 07:18.930 and we can't quite figure out what it is. 07:18.930 --> 07:21.180 And, and a couple other things ladies 07:21.180 --> 07:22.400 that you want to keep in mind. 07:22.400 --> 07:24.560 If you want to communicate well with us guys. 07:24.560 --> 07:26.290 A couple things to remember is that 07:26.290 --> 07:28.958 some of the boxes on every man's waffle, 07:28.958 --> 07:31.510 there's thoughts rolling around inside there, 07:31.510 --> 07:33.850 but they don't translate into senses. 07:33.850 --> 07:36.040 So sometimes men just make noises. 07:36.040 --> 07:38.879 You know go, huh, woo, yah, hoo ha. 07:38.879 --> 07:42.963 And that's why two men passing each other will just go, hey. 07:43.819 --> 07:46.760 'Cause that's a significant bonding moment for two men, 07:46.760 --> 07:48.970 if they made eye contact and everything. 07:48.970 --> 07:52.310 And having raised three sons, like like I get this. 07:52.310 --> 07:54.610 I was driving around town one day with my boys 07:54.610 --> 07:56.620 and one of my sons in the backseat, 07:56.620 --> 07:57.639 just out of nowhere went 07:57.639 --> 07:58.630 (shouts) 07:58.630 --> 07:59.632 I went what? 07:59.632 --> 08:02.520 He said nothing dad, I just wanted to say that. 08:02.520 --> 08:04.770 So sometimes men just make noises. 08:04.770 --> 08:06.460 And then the other thing to keep in mind is 08:06.460 --> 08:09.290 that a few of the boxes on every man's waffle, 08:09.290 --> 08:11.930 are completely blank. 08:11.930 --> 08:13.390 There are no thoughts. 08:13.390 --> 08:15.150 And there are no words there. 08:15.150 --> 08:16.817 And we as men, we park in those blank boxes 08:16.817 --> 08:18.680 to just kind of recharge fly. 08:18.680 --> 08:20.213 I know you've seen it before. 08:24.430 --> 08:25.900 And we're not sure how you do it ladies, 08:25.900 --> 08:27.200 you must have some kind of radar 08:27.200 --> 08:29.460 because every time we get in that blank box, 08:29.460 --> 08:31.910 you asked the dreaded question. 08:31.910 --> 08:34.072 So hey, what you thinking hun? 08:34.072 --> 08:36.350 Which is a really hard question for us 08:36.350 --> 08:38.740 because we tried telling you the truth. 08:38.740 --> 08:39.700 We said 08:39.700 --> 08:40.601 Nothing! 08:40.601 --> 08:42.890 And your response is, well, you can't be thinking nothing, 08:42.890 --> 08:43.860 you have to be thinking something. 08:43.860 --> 08:45.480 So what is it? 08:45.480 --> 08:48.110 And I'm here to tell you, every man I have ever met 08:48.110 --> 08:50.420 has the ability to think absolutely 08:50.420 --> 08:51.253 Nada! 08:51.253 --> 08:52.490 Nothing! 08:52.490 --> 08:55.000 And so since the truth didn't work, 08:55.000 --> 08:56.610 the next time you asked the question, 08:56.610 --> 08:58.510 there's a delay that takes place, 08:58.510 --> 09:00.920 and our eyes start darting back and forth. 09:00.920 --> 09:02.880 Because we're looking for a box somewhere nearby 09:02.880 --> 09:06.820 that has words in it, so that we can answer your question, 09:06.820 --> 09:09.510 and then you misinterpret the delay. 09:09.510 --> 09:11.150 And you think, oh, you don't wanna share 09:11.150 --> 09:11.983 what you're really thinking 09:11.983 --> 09:13.680 So now you're making something up. 09:14.570 --> 09:17.366 Now, most likely we were just thinking nothing. 09:17.366 --> 09:21.500 And what tends to happen in a long-term relationship, 09:21.500 --> 09:23.740 is over time men start to feel inadequate 09:23.740 --> 09:25.530 when it comes to communication. 09:25.530 --> 09:26.600 Because no kidding ladies, 09:26.600 --> 09:28.030 we drop into these blank boxes 09:28.030 --> 09:30.160 right in the middle of conversations. 09:30.160 --> 09:31.599 Like sometimes people will be talking to you. 09:31.599 --> 09:33.766 (mumbles) 09:36.028 --> 09:39.000 And they say well, what do you think? 09:39.000 --> 09:39.833 About what? 09:40.850 --> 09:42.067 And see then we get in trouble with you 09:42.067 --> 09:44.700 and we think, oh we're not very good at this. 09:44.700 --> 09:45.750 And men don't like to work 09:45.750 --> 09:47.120 and what they're not good at. 09:47.120 --> 09:49.500 We'd like to work at what we are good at. 09:49.500 --> 09:50.660 And so if a man concludes, 09:50.660 --> 09:52.070 he's not very good at communication. 09:52.070 --> 09:54.150 He'll go spend time doing other things. 09:54.150 --> 09:56.160 And he never reached his potential as somebody 09:56.160 --> 09:57.900 who can communicate interpersonally 09:57.900 --> 10:00.823 and the relationship doesn't quite reach his potential. 10:01.660 --> 10:04.370 So ladies, we would never put this all on you. 10:04.370 --> 10:05.945 But it's helpful. 10:05.945 --> 10:09.560 If you say okay, well, I guess all the guys have 10:09.560 --> 10:11.500 this blank box so I'm not gonna take it personal. 10:11.500 --> 10:14.340 I'm just gonna make room in the relationship for it. 10:14.340 --> 10:16.900 If you can do that as men we say wow. 10:16.900 --> 10:19.790 You know most of the women I've ever met, they don't get it. 10:19.790 --> 10:22.910 But this one, she gets it. 10:22.910 --> 10:24.392 And if we ever reach that conclusion about you, 10:24.392 --> 10:26.860 we find you easy to live with. 10:26.860 --> 10:29.710 And we're convinced we can succeed with you in our lives. 10:31.570 --> 10:34.040 Men are like waffles not like spaghetti. 10:34.040 --> 10:37.540 Yeah, we talk about 10 differences in our best selling book, 10:37.540 --> 10:40.020 Men Are Like Waffles-Women Are Like Spaghetti 10:40.020 --> 10:43.918 And one of the key differences is men and women 10:43.918 --> 10:45.740 we relate differently. 10:45.740 --> 10:48.840 The way we communicate is very different. 10:48.840 --> 10:51.200 Great and there's a, there's an assumption 10:51.200 --> 10:54.830 that we find most couples live with, it's not actually true. 10:54.830 --> 10:57.090 The assumption is that most of our conversations are going 10:57.090 --> 10:59.970 to be good for both of us at the same time. 10:59.970 --> 11:02.180 And we reach that conclusion because that's the way it works 11:02.180 --> 11:03.260 when you're dating. 11:03.260 --> 11:04.093 And when you're dating, 11:04.093 --> 11:05.910 you're trying to impress one another and you go 11:05.910 --> 11:08.420 to whole new levels in your interaction with one another 11:08.420 --> 11:10.630 and you and you reach this conclusion well we can talk 11:10.630 --> 11:12.130 about anything at any time. 11:12.130 --> 11:13.212 And that's why we have a single 11:13.212 --> 11:16.690 men are like waffles single women like spaghetti 11:16.690 --> 11:18.780 and we have one for teenagers too. 11:18.780 --> 11:23.240 Because all of us relate to one another 11:23.240 --> 11:26.508 men are like waffles like spaghetti, we all need some tips. 11:26.508 --> 11:28.653 And in long-term relationships 11:28.653 --> 11:30.160 that work differently. 11:30.160 --> 11:31.960 And let me illustrate from our relationship. 11:31.960 --> 11:34.830 Like there are some conversations in our home, 11:34.830 --> 11:37.570 that I've noticed Pam go really well for you. 11:37.570 --> 11:39.090 And when we're done with those conversations, 11:39.090 --> 11:41.120 Pam is ready for action. 11:41.120 --> 11:42.240 There are other conversations 11:42.240 --> 11:44.900 in our home, that work really well for me. 11:44.900 --> 11:47.410 And when we're done with those, I'm ready for action. 11:47.410 --> 11:48.800 And then there's a few conversations 11:48.800 --> 11:51.090 that work for both of us at the same time. 11:51.090 --> 11:54.690 And folks, that's normal in long-term relationships. 11:54.690 --> 11:56.780 So one of the most important relationship skills 11:56.780 --> 11:59.320 we can develop is learning to take turns 11:59.320 --> 12:01.290 when it comes to communication. 12:01.290 --> 12:03.760 So men, when it's her turn to talk, 12:03.760 --> 12:05.030 and you will know it's her turn 12:05.030 --> 12:07.300 because she starts the conversation, 12:07.300 --> 12:08.630 first thing you wanna do is turn off 12:08.630 --> 12:10.860 that fix it mechanism you were born with. 12:10.860 --> 12:13.000 Right, totally we are all problem solvers. 12:13.000 --> 12:15.540 So when your wife, your daughter comes to you and says hey, 12:15.540 --> 12:16.760 can we talk? 12:16.760 --> 12:20.650 Your instinct is the same as mine, you're like, bring it on. 12:20.650 --> 12:22.081 Because you're gonna size up the problem, 12:22.081 --> 12:24.351 you're gonna play your male solution to it, 12:24.351 --> 12:26.180 you're gonna be her hero for the day 12:26.180 --> 12:28.110 and all is gonna be right in the world. 12:28.110 --> 12:31.279 Okay, all of that hero, fix it stuff guys, turn it off, 12:31.279 --> 12:34.640 pack up your bags, and just go on the listening journey 12:34.640 --> 12:36.030 and let her take the conversation 12:36.030 --> 12:38.760 anywhere she wants it to go. 12:38.760 --> 12:41.360 And the reason why this is so important, 12:41.360 --> 12:44.400 is, is one of the primary ways that women build trust 12:44.400 --> 12:46.208 in a relationship is they connect their life 12:46.208 --> 12:48.236 to the people they think are important. 12:48.236 --> 12:50.480 So if your wife thinks you're important, 12:50.480 --> 12:52.590 she wants to connect her life to you 12:52.590 --> 12:54.290 by telling you what she thought what she did 12:54.290 --> 12:55.840 and what she thought about doing but didn't do it's 12:55.840 --> 12:58.030 what her mom had to say what her sister had to say. 12:58.030 --> 12:59.920 She isn't looking for input on all of that, 12:59.920 --> 13:02.540 she's connecting her life to you. 13:02.540 --> 13:03.740 And if you want to have a relationship 13:03.740 --> 13:05.340 that's full of trust guys, 13:05.340 --> 13:06.570 get used to that process 13:06.570 --> 13:08.800 of just letting her connect her life to you, 13:08.800 --> 13:10.790 by sharing what's on her heart. 13:10.790 --> 13:14.250 Right, so if the gift that the guys give 13:14.250 --> 13:16.970 is to pack up their bags and go on a listening journey, 13:16.970 --> 13:18.620 then what is that gift that we can give 13:18.620 --> 13:20.104 to the men in our world. 13:20.104 --> 13:23.360 We can give the gift of staying in the box. 13:23.360 --> 13:26.458 We women have more words per day than the average guys. 13:26.458 --> 13:28.366 So we can usually just out talk them 13:28.366 --> 13:30.520 In fact the part of the brain 13:30.520 --> 13:32.389 that monitors verbal interaction, 13:32.389 --> 13:35.310 is larger in females than it is in males. 13:35.310 --> 13:36.410 So there's a physical reason 13:36.410 --> 13:39.004 why you ladies can process more words every day, 13:39.004 --> 13:40.410 than as men can. 13:40.410 --> 13:41.243 And so sometimes 13:41.243 --> 13:42.639 because we process life differently 13:42.639 --> 13:46.580 than the way guys process life, we think something is wrong 13:46.580 --> 13:48.890 with them like they're broken or something. 13:48.890 --> 13:53.040 And one of the best illustrations that I saw of 13:53.040 --> 13:54.830 this is was a cartoon. 13:54.830 --> 13:57.750 And there was a, 13:57.750 --> 13:58.720 an uncle 13:58.720 --> 14:01.280 who's like about my husband's age. 14:01.280 --> 14:04.460 He's talking to his niece is about college age. 14:04.460 --> 14:08.100 And she's like, oh, thank you for helping me uncle. 14:08.100 --> 14:10.580 Everything you did just totally changed my life. 14:10.580 --> 14:12.890 And he took out a business card and he handed it to her 14:12.890 --> 14:15.170 and he says, you can take this down the petroleum store, 14:15.170 --> 14:17.590 they'll give you 10% off your gasoline. 14:17.590 --> 14:19.800 And the wife saw the whole interaction. 14:19.800 --> 14:22.090 And she said okay, our niece was pouring out her heart 14:22.090 --> 14:23.904 and you handed her a business card, 14:23.904 --> 14:25.540 like have you no feelings. 14:25.540 --> 14:26.790 He's like, I had feelings. 14:26.790 --> 14:28.260 As afraid she was gonna hug me. 14:28.260 --> 14:30.120 I was scared, it was gonna go on and on. 14:30.120 --> 14:32.100 And I was happy when it was over. 14:32.100 --> 14:33.500 I have feelings. 14:33.500 --> 14:35.750 Guys really do have feelings. 14:35.750 --> 14:37.360 They're just buried in the very bottom 14:37.360 --> 14:40.160 of each one of those waffle box compartments. 14:40.160 --> 14:42.254 And it takes them a little time 14:42.254 --> 14:44.677 to weave their way down 14:44.677 --> 14:48.120 and share the best of who they are with us. 14:48.120 --> 14:50.410 It's kind of like how syrup would seep down 14:50.410 --> 14:53.460 to the bottom of a Belgian waffle square. 14:53.460 --> 14:55.592 The sweetest part of who a guy is 14:55.592 --> 14:57.390 in the very bottom of every one 14:57.390 --> 14:59.060 of those waffle box compartments. 14:59.060 --> 15:01.340 And so because of that I do a lot 15:01.340 --> 15:03.350 of speaking to women's groups too. 15:03.350 --> 15:08.350 And because of that, often times I get asked the question. 15:08.400 --> 15:12.020 How do I get my husband and my son, my boyfriend, 15:12.020 --> 15:13.510 to open up to me. 15:13.510 --> 15:16.231 And when women put it like this, she's like. 15:16.231 --> 15:18.439 We were working with youth at the time 15:18.439 --> 15:21.850 and she was college age and she just gotten engaged. 15:21.850 --> 15:25.730 She's like, I'm so excited to get married Pam, 15:25.730 --> 15:28.720 my fiance he's a good looking guy, 15:28.720 --> 15:33.330 and he is such a good man, he's so moral, 15:33.330 --> 15:36.430 And he's like, gonna be a great provider, 15:36.430 --> 15:37.880 but I think something's wrong with them. 15:37.880 --> 15:39.170 I think something's broken. 15:39.170 --> 15:43.130 I think in university, they called it emotionally shallow. 15:43.130 --> 15:45.630 And I just started to smile. 15:45.630 --> 15:46.860 And the reason I started to smile 15:46.860 --> 15:48.130 is she just hadn't found the key 15:48.130 --> 15:50.230 to unlocking her guy's heart and that 15:50.230 --> 15:53.860 is men like to live in dwelling camp out in boxes, 15:53.860 --> 15:57.770 they feel super successful in and totally avoid boxes 15:57.770 --> 15:59.810 that they don't feel successful in. 15:59.810 --> 16:01.930 And then so I said, tell me about your fiance 16:01.930 --> 16:02.950 'cause I'm looking for the box 16:02.950 --> 16:04.890 he feels comfortable or successful in. 16:04.890 --> 16:07.520 And she's like, he's a race car driver. 16:07.520 --> 16:09.040 I said there you go baby girl, 16:09.040 --> 16:11.250 you just get yourself into that garage. 16:11.250 --> 16:12.950 And when you're in the garage, 16:12.950 --> 16:14.560 just repeat back key things 16:14.560 --> 16:16.340 that he's saying key phrases 16:16.340 --> 16:18.710 that he's saying, to keep them talking. 16:18.710 --> 16:21.530 She's like, all right, so she goes into the garage. 16:21.530 --> 16:22.940 And of course, he's working on his race car. 16:22.940 --> 16:24.800 So he's torquing this and he's tweaking that, 16:24.800 --> 16:26.509 and he's talk about rods and pistons and fly wheels. 16:26.509 --> 16:29.630 And she's dutifully repeating back to the car parts, 16:29.630 --> 16:30.670 she didn't have a clue what she talked about, 16:30.670 --> 16:32.470 but she's repeating back those car parts. 16:32.470 --> 16:33.303 And all of a sudden, 16:33.303 --> 16:35.670 he comes out from underneath the hood of the car 16:35.670 --> 16:36.970 and he puts his hand on the car 16:36.970 --> 16:39.350 and he says to her oh, honey, 16:39.350 --> 16:42.110 nobody's ever taken the time to love me like this. 16:42.110 --> 16:44.600 Nobody is taking the time to care about my world like this. 16:44.600 --> 16:47.710 I am so excited to get married to you. 16:47.710 --> 16:49.460 I wanna build us a big three bedroom, 16:49.460 --> 16:52.770 two bath house and we'll have a balcony out back 16:52.770 --> 16:55.390 and I'll build a front porch 16:55.390 --> 16:57.010 and hang up a front porch swing 16:57.010 --> 16:59.400 and every night when I come home from work 16:59.400 --> 17:01.320 I'll just bring you a skinny vanilla latte 17:01.320 --> 17:02.727 and I'll slide in next to hold you 17:02.727 --> 17:06.030 in my arms as we listen to your heart, 17:06.030 --> 17:07.940 as we watch the sunset. 17:07.940 --> 17:09.100 Over the ocean. 17:09.100 --> 17:13.090 She told me later, I never want to leave the garage again. 17:13.090 --> 17:14.530 See it was effective. 17:14.530 --> 17:17.340 Yes, just repeat back those key phrases 17:17.340 --> 17:18.890 to keep him talking. 17:18.890 --> 17:21.540 See what happens too often, 17:21.540 --> 17:23.440 a guy brings up a subject to talk about 17:23.440 --> 17:24.580 and he actually hopes it's 17:24.580 --> 17:26.043 that subject you're gonna talk about 17:26.043 --> 17:28.313 because we women are like spaghetti. 17:28.313 --> 17:31.750 We see the five or six other boxes around that first box, 17:31.750 --> 17:34.848 and we just start opening up boxes or opening up issues. 17:34.848 --> 17:35.681 Well, the problem with doing that 17:35.681 --> 17:38.787 is men are problem solvers by nature. 17:38.787 --> 17:41.890 So when one box is open, that's one problem to solve. 17:41.890 --> 17:43.750 When two boxes are open two problem to solve, 17:43.750 --> 17:47.040 three boxes are open three problem to solve and so on. 17:47.040 --> 17:48.824 And every male has like a limit, 17:48.824 --> 17:52.420 on how many boxes or how many issues he can have presenting. 17:52.420 --> 17:54.269 And if you get too many boxes going girls, 17:54.269 --> 17:57.375 you're gonna know it, because he's gonna do one 17:57.375 --> 17:58.370 of two things. 17:58.370 --> 18:00.860 He's either gonna fire up and become angry 18:00.860 --> 18:02.360 and you're like what I just talked it, 18:02.360 --> 18:04.490 or he's just gonna want to shut 18:04.490 --> 18:06.080 that box down and escaped to one 18:06.080 --> 18:07.930 of his favorite boxes, like the garage 18:07.930 --> 18:09.660 and you're just chasing with your words, 18:09.660 --> 18:12.820 and nobody's needs are getting met there. 18:12.820 --> 18:15.620 And so the gift that we can give ladies 18:15.620 --> 18:17.450 is the gift of staying in the box, 18:17.450 --> 18:22.133 especially his favorite box and become a great listener. 18:22.990 --> 18:24.410 And what we've been talking 18:24.410 --> 18:25.243 with you about folks 18:25.243 --> 18:27.710 is how to practically accept one another. 18:27.710 --> 18:29.530 And the fact that you're different. 18:29.530 --> 18:31.910 And one of the reasons we process relationships differently 18:31.910 --> 18:34.430 is there are physical differences between men and women 18:34.430 --> 18:36.610 that you can't see that impacts 18:36.610 --> 18:38.427 the way we interact with one another. 18:38.427 --> 18:40.450 For instance, I don't know if you're aware that 18:40.450 --> 18:44.820 when men solve a problem, they use one side of their brain 18:44.820 --> 18:46.520 might be the right side or the left side, 18:46.520 --> 18:49.810 but they stay on that side until things have been solved. 18:49.810 --> 18:51.870 You ladies when you solve the same problem, 18:51.870 --> 18:54.580 you use both sides of your brain at the same time. 18:54.580 --> 18:55.653 And the reason for that is 18:55.653 --> 18:58.550 that the female brain has more physical connections 18:58.550 --> 19:01.460 between the two sides of the brain than the male brain 19:01.460 --> 19:02.780 because when men are in the womb, 19:02.780 --> 19:04.970 there's a testosterone bath that takes place. 19:04.970 --> 19:06.510 It's severs some of the connections 19:06.510 --> 19:08.030 between the two sides of the brain, 19:08.030 --> 19:08.863 and it sends a signal out 19:08.863 --> 19:12.100 for other connections not to develop. 19:12.100 --> 19:13.420 And usually at this point, 19:13.420 --> 19:15.180 there's a female that's thinking, see, 19:15.180 --> 19:17.179 I knew they were handicapped. 19:17.179 --> 19:19.907 And I just wanna point out for all a man out there 19:19.907 --> 19:22.203 we just figured out how to simplify the process. 19:22.203 --> 19:24.550 Because studies show that men and women 19:24.550 --> 19:26.920 solve problems equally well, 19:26.920 --> 19:28.020 we just do it 19:28.020 --> 19:28.853 Differently. 19:28.853 --> 19:30.100 Differently. 19:30.100 --> 19:32.550 And one of the most important physical related differences 19:32.550 --> 19:35.000 between men and women that effect relationships 19:35.000 --> 19:37.880 are when a man eats, the part of his brain 19:37.880 --> 19:40.880 that makes him happier, gets stimulated. 19:40.880 --> 19:43.172 So a man literally is happier with himself happier 19:43.172 --> 19:46.042 with life and more content right after he has eaten a meal. 19:46.042 --> 19:48.990 And when you ladies share that same meal, 19:48.990 --> 19:51.090 the part of your brain that sharpens your eyesight 19:51.090 --> 19:52.480 becomes stimulated, 19:52.480 --> 19:54.310 and you become more aware of your environment 19:54.310 --> 19:56.450 and you have more to talk about. 19:56.450 --> 19:57.480 That's the reason why 19:57.480 --> 20:00.250 so many good relationship things happen around meals, 20:00.250 --> 20:02.079 because men are more relaxed and more content. 20:02.079 --> 20:04.510 Ladies have plenty to bring to the table to talk about 20:04.510 --> 20:08.000 and you end up building great relationship memories. 20:08.000 --> 20:10.300 So like how many of you, ladies, 20:10.300 --> 20:12.186 your mom or your grandma mom said to you, 20:12.186 --> 20:16.270 the way to a man's heart is through his stomach. 20:16.270 --> 20:18.690 Yeah now there's research behind it right girls. 20:18.690 --> 20:20.670 And so if you happen to borrow your husband's car 20:20.670 --> 20:21.503 and you wreck it, 20:21.503 --> 20:23.750 now you know you should probably feed him 20:23.750 --> 20:25.590 his favorite meal first, 20:25.590 --> 20:28.250 then tell him the bad news about the car. 20:28.250 --> 20:29.100 And now that we've talked about 20:29.100 --> 20:30.060 a few of these differences, 20:30.060 --> 20:31.878 we have a short little video clip to show you 20:31.878 --> 20:34.120 that shows how this might play out 20:34.120 --> 20:35.228 in a typical home. 20:35.228 --> 20:37.728 (video plays) 20:38.654 --> 20:40.021 You will not believe 20:40.021 --> 20:41.359 the day I have had I've got to tell you 20:41.359 --> 20:43.808 about this little thing I have put my stuff out. 20:43.808 --> 20:45.141 (rhythmic music) 20:45.141 --> 20:47.308 Honey is that you? 20:48.290 --> 20:50.880 So I went out to lunch with Jenny and Amy 20:50.880 --> 20:51.713 'cause you know we always go out 20:51.713 --> 20:52.660 to lunch every third Thursday 20:52.660 --> 20:54.090 of the month, unless of course that falls 20:54.090 --> 20:55.120 on Jenny's bloody class 20:55.120 --> 20:56.860 and move it to the fourth Thursday of the month. 20:56.860 --> 20:58.950 Sometimes includes my haircut upon but it didn't this time. 20:58.950 --> 20:59.815 So anyway, so Jenny drove 20:59.815 --> 21:02.157 because she has this new truck she wanted to be seen with. 21:02.157 --> 21:03.373 Timmy has a big four wheel drive. 21:03.373 --> 21:04.830 I mean, it's all ridiculous. 21:04.830 --> 21:06.120 She's so petite and she's in this big truck 21:06.120 --> 21:07.573 but she drove anyway so. 21:08.809 --> 21:12.726 (high intensity electro music) 21:33.658 --> 21:35.541 So Jenny is freaking out I mean who wouldn't 21:35.541 --> 21:36.810 but Jenny is such a quiet person anyway, 21:36.810 --> 21:37.643 at that time she wouldn't complain 21:37.643 --> 21:38.670 to the manager at Bennigan's 21:38.670 --> 21:40.690 because the waiter kept getting her order wrong anyway, 21:40.690 --> 21:42.530 so anyway, she was loosing it all over the phone 21:42.530 --> 21:44.100 with her husband about how could it be 21:44.100 --> 21:47.000 so after mining and forget the chocolate cheeseburger ads. 21:49.175 --> 21:53.092 (high intensity electro music) 22:08.916 --> 22:11.333 (loud music) 22:23.711 --> 22:24.621 Even Emmy couldn't believe 22:24.621 --> 22:26.300 that Tom would even consider purchase like 22:26.300 --> 22:27.133 that without talking to her first, 22:27.133 --> 22:28.500 I mean you would never do that? 22:28.500 --> 22:30.913 I told him that no one is over a bigger TV. 22:32.373 --> 22:35.115 Let's just get rid of the TV altogether you know, 22:35.115 --> 22:37.532 (loud music) 22:51.164 --> 22:52.500 So, what do you think? 22:52.500 --> 22:53.897 Can we do it? 22:53.897 --> 22:56.204 Yeah oh, oh yeah, definitely. 22:56.204 --> 22:57.037 I knew you'd understand, 22:57.037 --> 22:59.804 you are such a good listener. 22:59.804 --> 23:02.471 (piano playing) 23:12.540 --> 23:15.096 Oh hey, is it all these rooms repainted pink 23:15.096 --> 23:16.379 or just this one here. 23:16.379 --> 23:19.046 (piano playing) 23:23.720 --> 23:26.170 It pays to be a good listener. 23:26.170 --> 23:27.200 Right which is why in the Bible, 23:27.200 --> 23:30.330 at James 1:19 tells us everyone should be quick to listen, 23:30.330 --> 23:33.420 slow to speak, and slow to become angry. 23:33.420 --> 23:35.470 And if you want to see improvement in your relationship 23:35.470 --> 23:38.330 starting today, the skill to begin with, 23:38.330 --> 23:39.660 is learning how to be a good listener. 23:39.660 --> 23:42.000 So Pam, what does it take to be a good listener? 23:42.000 --> 23:44.760 So there's four simple steps 23:44.760 --> 23:46.790 to becoming a great listener. 23:46.790 --> 23:47.950 And the first thing I talked about now 23:47.950 --> 23:50.080 is repeat key phrases. 23:50.080 --> 23:53.000 And so you could just talk to anybody you know this week, 23:53.000 --> 23:54.240 just say so how you doing? 23:54.240 --> 23:56.260 And they're probably gonna say, fine, 23:56.260 --> 23:57.730 because that's what we're trained to do. 23:57.730 --> 23:59.030 But instead of just saying, yeah, me too, 23:59.030 --> 24:02.520 and walking away, stop and push pause 24:02.520 --> 24:03.920 and start repeating what they're saying, 24:03.920 --> 24:04.753 well, I'm actually kind of tired, 24:04.753 --> 24:06.700 well you're kind of tired, why is that? 24:06.700 --> 24:09.112 I think I've just like got this zoom stress going on? 24:09.112 --> 24:11.360 Oh, yeah, I've been, 24:11.360 --> 24:12.270 yeah, that like, 24:12.270 --> 24:13.860 it's really hard, isn't it? 24:13.860 --> 24:15.080 Yeah and besides that, 24:15.080 --> 24:16.770 like when we're working really long hours, 24:16.770 --> 24:19.300 I thought we were gonna have like this little break. 24:19.300 --> 24:20.860 But no, it's really long hours. 24:20.860 --> 24:22.599 And then our teenagers are in the house. 24:22.599 --> 24:24.860 And so they're like always bored and complaining. 24:24.860 --> 24:27.430 And oh, yeah, I guess I am really tired. 24:27.430 --> 24:30.293 And so all you've done is repeat one phrase. 24:30.293 --> 24:32.340 They rolled out their whole life story. 24:32.340 --> 24:33.956 So it's actually pretty effective 24:33.956 --> 24:36.680 to just repeat key phrases. 24:36.680 --> 24:41.680 But you might feel a little like a robot if all you do 24:41.890 --> 24:43.190 is repeat key phrases. 24:43.190 --> 24:44.830 So the second thing you're gonna want 24:44.830 --> 24:46.910 to do is rephrase it and put it 24:46.910 --> 24:49.715 in your own words like what I hear you saying is 24:49.715 --> 24:53.090 and then kind of capsulize the conversation 24:53.090 --> 24:54.790 and put it in your own words. 24:54.790 --> 24:58.000 The third that you're going to want to do is regroup. 24:58.000 --> 24:59.510 And that's when you're gonna want 24:59.510 --> 25:01.720 to hand the conversation back 25:01.720 --> 25:03.765 and ask for some clarification. 25:03.765 --> 25:06.000 Like, am I in the ballpark? 25:06.000 --> 25:07.905 Am I catching what you're trying to tell me? 25:07.905 --> 25:11.460 And give them a chance to respond. 25:11.460 --> 25:13.640 And the more sensitive the topic 25:13.640 --> 25:16.000 or the more volatile the conversation, 25:16.000 --> 25:19.600 the more important it is that you do step three, 25:19.600 --> 25:23.280 and offer that regroup and give them a chance to respond. 25:23.280 --> 25:24.720 And then lastly, 25:24.720 --> 25:28.460 you're gonna want to reconnect your spouse or 25:28.460 --> 25:30.730 who you're talking to, is going to be sharing a story. 25:30.730 --> 25:34.020 And somewhere in that story, there's an emotion. 25:34.020 --> 25:36.786 And what you're going for is trying 25:36.786 --> 25:41.123 to match emotion to emotion or heart to heart 25:41.123 --> 25:44.900 to gain that connection that you're looking for. 25:44.900 --> 25:45.890 But don't get discouraged 25:45.890 --> 25:47.746 at this point, folks, because most of the time, 25:47.746 --> 25:49.888 when you say to your spouse, okay, is it like this? 25:49.888 --> 25:52.247 And then you share a story from your life about 25:52.247 --> 25:53.600 how you felt? 25:53.600 --> 25:56.380 Most of the time the other person will say, no, 25:56.380 --> 25:57.850 it's not really like that. 25:57.850 --> 25:59.170 And don't get discouraged with that 25:59.170 --> 26:00.525 because this kind of communication, 26:00.525 --> 26:02.230 it's a lot like baseball, 26:02.230 --> 26:03.580 Oh baseball remember that? 26:03.580 --> 26:04.413 Yeah. 26:04.413 --> 26:07.410 In baseball, if somebody misses the ball two thirds 26:07.410 --> 26:10.281 of the time we call them a great hitter. 26:10.281 --> 26:12.970 And that's the way this kind of communication works. 26:12.970 --> 26:15.114 It only takes about a 10% success rate 26:15.114 --> 26:17.290 to cement the two of you together 26:17.290 --> 26:20.049 so tightly that nothing in life can get between you. 26:20.049 --> 26:23.072 And Pam and I learned the importance of this one day, 26:23.072 --> 26:25.100 we were in the middle of raising our family 26:25.100 --> 26:26.160 and I came home one day I said, 26:26.160 --> 26:28.810 Pam, you know I really believe you're too busy. 26:28.810 --> 26:30.850 And I have a choice here I can react 26:30.850 --> 26:32.660 or I can repeat those key phrases. 26:32.660 --> 26:35.190 That day, I chose to repeat key phrases. 26:35.190 --> 26:36.023 Oh so you think I'm too busy? 26:36.023 --> 26:38.920 = [Bill Farrel] Well, it's not just you're too busy. 26:38.920 --> 26:41.216 It's that life is kind of overwhelming right now for me. 26:41.216 --> 26:43.581 Life is overwhelming hun? 26:43.581 --> 26:44.880 Yeah, actually, 26:44.880 --> 26:46.516 I'm feeling like I might fail. 26:46.516 --> 26:48.319 You feel like you might fail? 26:48.319 --> 26:49.152 Yeah, especially at work. 26:49.152 --> 26:50.127 How? Yeah 26:50.127 --> 26:50.960 Like you remember I told you growing up, 26:50.960 --> 26:54.240 my mom because she was afraid of everybody 26:54.240 --> 26:56.091 and everything used a lot of reverse psychology. 26:56.091 --> 26:59.060 So growing up I heard a lot you don't have what it takes, 26:59.060 --> 27:00.110 you never going to be anything 27:00.110 --> 27:02.220 and she said it over and I think she meant well 27:02.220 --> 27:05.410 but like it really said in it's like her voice is back 27:05.410 --> 27:07.098 in my office and for some reason, 27:07.098 --> 27:08.869 I'm afraid she might be right. 27:08.869 --> 27:11.370 Oh, wow. 27:11.370 --> 27:13.260 Is it kind of like, okay, 27:13.260 --> 27:15.950 let me see if I'm catching what you're trying to say. 27:15.950 --> 27:19.820 As a kind of like, when you go to work, 27:19.820 --> 27:22.300 like you're hearing your mom's negative messaging, 27:22.300 --> 27:24.000 and that's what's making you feel like 27:24.000 --> 27:25.090 And it shouldn't be happening 27:25.090 --> 27:26.520 because things are going well at work. 27:26.520 --> 27:28.927 So I don't know why I can't shake it. 27:28.927 --> 27:30.410 = [Pam Farrel] Okay, okay. 27:30.410 --> 27:32.120 See if it's kind of like this. 27:32.120 --> 27:34.270 Remember that time when I told you that story, 27:34.270 --> 27:36.690 and that my dad had been drinking, 27:36.690 --> 27:38.720 like all day and all night, 27:38.720 --> 27:39.760 and I like showed, 27:39.760 --> 27:40.830 I was like, grade seven. 27:40.830 --> 27:42.080 And I showed her my report card 27:42.080 --> 27:43.630 and my report card was, 27:43.630 --> 27:48.130 you know 100% 100% 100% 99.9 27:48.130 --> 27:49.440 and because my dad had been like, 27:49.440 --> 27:51.390 drinking out of his mind, he's like, 27:51.390 --> 27:53.090 Pam why isn't that 100? 27:53.090 --> 27:55.590 Like, you feel like even if it had been 100 27:55.590 --> 27:57.300 he would have found something wrong with it? 27:57.300 --> 27:58.133 Probably. 27:58.133 --> 27:59.450 Yes I have no reason to feel this way, 27:59.450 --> 28:01.260 but I can't shake it anyway. 28:01.260 --> 28:02.805 I am so sorry hun. 28:02.805 --> 28:04.435 I'm praying for you. 28:04.435 --> 28:06.640 So that was an important day for Pam and I 28:06.640 --> 28:09.250 because we recognize that part of our connection 28:09.250 --> 28:11.724 to each other, we share a lot of the same values in life. 28:11.724 --> 28:14.890 But we also realize we share some of the same pain 28:14.890 --> 28:16.590 from our childhood, and we believe 28:16.590 --> 28:18.890 that together we could do better. 28:18.890 --> 28:20.480 But this conversation could have looked 28:20.480 --> 28:23.520 a whole lot different, if it had gone more like Pam, 28:23.520 --> 28:25.530 I really think you're too busy. 28:25.530 --> 28:26.580 Remember I have an option, 28:26.580 --> 28:29.220 I can repeat key phrases or I can react. 28:29.220 --> 28:30.740 What if I would have reacted? 28:30.740 --> 28:31.573 You think that I'm too busy? 28:31.573 --> 28:32.406 Whoa! 28:32.406 --> 28:33.239 You think that I'm too busy? 28:33.239 --> 28:34.072 Sorry for bringing it up. 28:34.072 --> 28:35.110 Is it cause I like doing everything around here. 28:35.110 --> 28:36.660 I'm like raising your three boys, 28:36.660 --> 28:38.067 and I'm like writing these books and like, 28:38.067 --> 28:41.220 I'm helping you down and the church, 28:41.220 --> 28:42.400 'cause you're like a pastor 28:42.400 --> 28:44.860 and like I'm doing the dishes I'm doing the laundry. 28:44.860 --> 28:47.700 Maybe if you would take out that trash on occasion, 28:47.700 --> 28:49.843 I wouldn't be so busy. 28:51.887 --> 28:53.150 Can you imagine the argument 28:53.150 --> 28:55.790 we could have had over that interaction. 28:55.790 --> 28:57.200 We could have been an intense fellowship 28:57.200 --> 28:58.890 with each other for at least a week. 28:58.890 --> 29:01.540 Right, the choice always yours. 29:01.540 --> 29:05.720 The choice is always ours conflict or connection. 29:05.720 --> 29:07.710 And when you use those simple listening tools, 29:07.710 --> 29:10.429 you gain The connection that you're looking for. 29:10.429 --> 29:13.240 So communication is the first area 29:13.240 --> 29:14.640 where you can work on your differences. 29:14.640 --> 29:16.945 But another really important one is to recognize 29:16.945 --> 29:20.174 that we relieve stress differently. 29:20.174 --> 29:22.510 Like we live in a world that produces stress, 29:22.510 --> 29:25.100 and we don't actually want you to become stress free. 29:25.100 --> 29:26.260 A little bit of stress is good 29:26.260 --> 29:27.643 because it helps you be productive. 29:27.643 --> 29:28.476 But lately, there's been a lot 29:28.476 --> 29:29.926 of those stress so. 29:29.926 --> 29:31.067 (giggles) 29:31.067 --> 29:32.083 And the problem is, 29:32.083 --> 29:34.052 when stress gets too high, 29:34.052 --> 29:36.380 it starts to have a detrimental impact on you. 29:36.380 --> 29:38.910 So you have to have a way of bringing stress down 29:38.910 --> 29:40.920 to the level at which you operate well 29:40.920 --> 29:42.810 as a couple and as a family. 29:42.810 --> 29:45.990 And like other areas of life, we relieve stress differently. 29:45.990 --> 29:48.724 So men, the way that women tend to relieve stress, 29:48.724 --> 29:50.696 is they talk their way through it. 29:50.696 --> 29:52.130 And some of you are thinking well, yeah, 29:52.130 --> 29:53.100 we just talked about that. 29:53.100 --> 29:54.710 You know they kind of do that listening, hey, 29:54.710 --> 29:56.260 this a little bit different. 29:56.260 --> 29:57.550 Like when stress hits a woman's life 29:57.550 --> 30:00.130 is like a great big meatball comes flying out of the sky 30:00.130 --> 30:02.170 and it lands on her plate of spaghetti 30:02.170 --> 30:04.304 and it sends noodles flying everywhere. 30:04.304 --> 30:06.060 And so now she has to go click the ball 30:06.060 --> 30:07.590 of noodles and get him back on the plate 30:07.590 --> 30:09.880 and she has to integrate the meatball because again 30:09.880 --> 30:11.610 her whole life is connected. 30:11.610 --> 30:13.527 And so she's gonna want to talk her way through, like, 30:13.527 --> 30:14.840 why did this happen to us? 30:14.840 --> 30:15.673 What does it say about me? 30:15.673 --> 30:16.506 What does it say about you? 30:16.506 --> 30:17.339 What does it say about us? 30:17.339 --> 30:18.690 How are we supposed to respond? 30:18.690 --> 30:19.873 What do I do next time this happens? 30:19.873 --> 30:22.800 And she has to walk her way through all that. 30:22.800 --> 30:24.990 And the first time she walks her way through it, 30:24.990 --> 30:26.881 it's gonna kind of fit together but not really. 30:26.881 --> 30:28.981 So then she's gonna want to talk it through again. 30:28.981 --> 30:30.380 And the second time through, 30:30.380 --> 30:31.760 it starts to fit a little bit better, 30:31.760 --> 30:33.330 but probably still hasn't found its place. 30:33.330 --> 30:35.220 So then she could talk it through a third time. 30:35.220 --> 30:36.596 And by then as men were thinking, 30:36.596 --> 30:40.170 I thought we talked about this. 30:40.170 --> 30:42.310 And the reality is you have she just hasn't figured out 30:42.310 --> 30:45.060 how it fits into the fabric of her life. 30:45.060 --> 30:47.531 So men, what you and I can do when we see stress rising, 30:47.531 --> 30:49.590 is set aside a little bit of extra time 30:49.590 --> 30:51.520 to help her process through the stress. 30:51.520 --> 30:53.430 And ladies, one of the things you can do 30:53.430 --> 30:54.277 to help us guys out is to develop 30:54.277 --> 30:57.899 some really good girlfriends. 30:57.899 --> 30:59.610 Because you probably need to talk about 30:59.610 --> 31:00.880 this a little bit more than we can listen 31:00.880 --> 31:02.210 and if we're both doing our part, 31:02.210 --> 31:03.480 it brings stress back down, 31:03.480 --> 31:05.430 Right so talk on the phone, 31:05.430 --> 31:08.753 talk social distancing, but talk girl friend 31:08.753 --> 31:11.725 it's gonna be a good thing for your marriage. 31:11.725 --> 31:14.493 You know because when I'm stressed out, 31:15.420 --> 31:16.880 I talk my way through stress. 31:16.880 --> 31:19.817 And so when I'm stressed my mom knows and my sister knows 31:19.817 --> 31:21.217 and my best friend knows it, 31:21.217 --> 31:23.220 the clerk at the grocery store 31:23.220 --> 31:24.950 will know that I'm stressed out. 31:24.950 --> 31:27.460 But that's not how guys process stress. 31:27.460 --> 31:29.320 How guys process stress is they like 31:29.320 --> 31:31.227 to go their favorite easy boxes, 31:31.227 --> 31:33.760 to rest and recharge. 31:33.760 --> 31:35.776 It's kind of like a battery sitting in a recharger. 31:35.776 --> 31:37.450 When you look at a battery sitting 31:37.450 --> 31:40.423 in a recharger it doesn't look like it's doing nothing, 31:40.423 --> 31:42.790 but it's doing something, it's recharging. 31:42.790 --> 31:45.510 So sometimes the feelings under stress, 31:45.510 --> 31:47.594 and you're looking at your husband, you're like, 31:47.594 --> 31:50.860 you're like watching ESPN, 31:50.860 --> 31:53.340 you're like just sitting there on the sofa. 31:53.340 --> 31:56.380 You're on your phone again, you're on the computer, 31:56.380 --> 31:58.123 like what is going on? 31:58.123 --> 32:00.473 Like can't you see the world's falling apart? 32:00.473 --> 32:04.850 Well, they can, but they're processing their stress. 32:04.850 --> 32:08.480 And the creator kinda helped us girls out 32:08.480 --> 32:12.830 so we could recognize these favorite recharger boxes of men 32:12.830 --> 32:14.850 in that most of them are shaped like boxes 32:14.850 --> 32:15.850 when you think about it. 32:15.850 --> 32:17.290 The TV screens is shaped like a box, 32:17.290 --> 32:19.690 the computer screen shaped like a box, 32:19.690 --> 32:20.523 the phone is shaped like a box 32:20.523 --> 32:21.356 Football field. 32:21.356 --> 32:22.189 Football field, baseball, 32:22.189 --> 32:23.688 diamond, basketball court. 32:23.688 --> 32:24.521 Hockey goal. 32:24.521 --> 32:25.430 A hockey goal, 32:25.430 --> 32:26.779 the refrigerator is shaped like a box, 32:26.779 --> 32:28.050 Yes it is. 32:28.050 --> 32:28.901 And the bed is shaped like a box. 32:28.901 --> 32:29.990 Yes it is. 32:29.990 --> 32:31.510 In fact, that bed box, 32:31.510 --> 32:34.477 that box that we called the Red Hot Nagomi box, 32:34.477 --> 32:36.710 that's a favorite box for husbands 32:36.710 --> 32:38.490 to go to when they're all stressed out. 32:38.490 --> 32:40.610 It's kind of like that free square 32:40.610 --> 32:42.320 in the middle of a bingo card. 32:42.320 --> 32:43.153 And men can get there from every other square 32:43.153 --> 32:44.850 in their waffle. 32:44.850 --> 32:48.240 Bingo, so folks, keep your sense of humor 32:48.240 --> 32:50.760 in your relationships, keep learning how to communicate well 32:50.760 --> 32:52.400 because our differences matter. 32:52.400 --> 32:54.610 Keep helping each other bring stress down, 32:54.610 --> 32:55.443 Take turns. 32:55.443 --> 32:58.810 = [Bill Farrel] Yap, and look for creative ways 32:58.810 --> 33:02.020 to stay connected because so much of life we can't control. 33:02.020 --> 33:03.480 Like we've got some good friends that live 33:03.480 --> 33:04.820 in a condominium complex. 33:04.820 --> 33:08.140 They have an eight year old son who's very precautious 33:08.140 --> 33:09.060 and I don't know if you've heard 33:09.060 --> 33:09.893 that highly intelligent kids, 33:09.893 --> 33:12.240 don't need as much sleep as other kids 33:12.240 --> 33:14.056 so we like to refer to their son as highly intelligent, 33:14.056 --> 33:15.070 (laughs) 33:15.070 --> 33:17.150 because he often wakes up in the middle 33:17.150 --> 33:18.270 of the night sneaks in their room 33:18.270 --> 33:20.130 and watches them sleep. 33:20.130 --> 33:23.490 And he is gifted at just interrupting them. 33:23.490 --> 33:24.990 So every time they try to have a conversation, 33:24.990 --> 33:27.540 he invites himself in and interrupts the conversation. 33:27.540 --> 33:29.910 When they try to spend time together, he gets involved, 33:29.910 --> 33:32.970 and he interrupts their time together and he's managed 33:32.970 --> 33:35.310 to get them completely off rhythm. 33:35.310 --> 33:37.440 And they got to think and we cannot let 33:37.440 --> 33:39.740 this be the definition of our relationship. 33:39.740 --> 33:41.284 We love our son, we love each other 33:41.284 --> 33:42.660 and so we gotta do something. 33:42.660 --> 33:43.493 Right. 33:43.493 --> 33:45.150 So they came up with a plan. 33:45.150 --> 33:46.730 It was a Sunday afternoon, 33:46.730 --> 33:47.980 they call their son in the living room. 33:47.980 --> 33:49.580 They said, son, we need to talk with you. 33:49.580 --> 33:50.970 He's like, oh, okay, what? 33:50.970 --> 33:52.820 He said, we figured out this condominium complex 33:52.820 --> 33:54.650 we live in this neighborhood. 33:54.650 --> 33:55.550 It needs a neighborhood spy, 33:55.550 --> 34:00.030 and we believe you are the man for the job. 34:00.030 --> 34:02.800 So he was like, okay, what do you want me to do? 34:02.800 --> 34:03.633 So here's the plan. 34:03.633 --> 34:05.490 You go out on the balcony of our condominium, 34:05.490 --> 34:07.010 you look out over the neighborhood, 34:07.010 --> 34:09.350 you start calling out what you see going on, 34:09.350 --> 34:10.270 we're gonna be in our room taking notes. 34:10.270 --> 34:11.103 Taking notes. 34:11.103 --> 34:13.090 So just make sure we can hear you 34:13.090 --> 34:13.923 and they're thinking 34:13.923 --> 34:15.890 we're gonna keep him busy just long enough. 34:15.890 --> 34:16.830 We can enjoy each other, 34:16.830 --> 34:18.218 be back before he ever knows what happens, 34:18.218 --> 34:19.051 and everybody will have a good day. 34:19.051 --> 34:19.989 Ooh a little Red Hot Nagomi 34:19.989 --> 34:22.330 So he goes, yeah, he goes the balcony, 34:22.330 --> 34:24.398 they go to their room, he starts calling out what he sees. 34:24.398 --> 34:26.850 He says, I see some kids out the park. 34:26.850 --> 34:28.413 They're riding their skateboards around. 34:28.413 --> 34:30.020 They seem like they're okay. 34:30.020 --> 34:31.320 They're not really causing trouble. 34:31.320 --> 34:33.550 Oh, here comes some kids on bicycles and they're heading 34:33.550 --> 34:35.020 towards those kids at the park. 34:35.020 --> 34:36.580 I think there's going to be a rumble in the park. 34:36.580 --> 34:37.630 This is not good big. 34:37.630 --> 34:39.150 I don't know ,I think everyone should go okay. 34:39.150 --> 34:40.940 Motorcycle policeman comes to the street. 34:40.940 --> 34:41.773 We're okay there, 34:41.773 --> 34:44.090 Mr. Anderson, he's mowing the lawn. 34:44.090 --> 34:46.300 And the Johnson's they are having sex, 34:46.300 --> 34:47.133 and they shout in bed. 34:47.133 --> 34:47.966 How do you that? 34:47.966 --> 34:50.494 He said, well their kids are on the balcony too. 34:50.494 --> 34:52.383 So folks, our hope for you is 34:52.383 --> 34:55.410 that our kids see your kids on the balcony real soon, 34:55.410 --> 34:56.370 and that you keep growing 34:56.370 --> 34:58.800 in your relationships despite the stress 34:58.800 --> 35:00.270 and despite your differences. 35:00.270 --> 35:02.067 Keep living Love-Wise. 35:02.067 --> 35:04.650 (upbeat music)