(upbeat music)
Hi, I'm Pam Farrel.
And I'm Bill Farrel.
And we are the co directors of Love-Wise,
we'd like to say we park ourselves on the corner
of God's love and God's wisdom,
helping people with their most vital relationships.
And we just want to say, ahoy you're,
we're coming from our boats.
So we want you to feel free to feel comfortable,
like you're on vacation.
And we've spent most of our life
helping people figure out how relationships work.
And one of the things we discovered along the way
is that one of the big issues in relationships
are your differences,
and your differences they really do fascinate you
like I personally am really glad
that Pam looks like a woman that has been the
source of a lot of joy in my life.
And now there are times I'd like to come over
and rearrange the way she thinks
so I understand her a little bit better.
But if she had to give up the way she looks
in order for me to understand her better,
I would forego that in a heartbeat.
Because these differences, they fascinate us.
But they also frustrate us.
And so we have to know what to do with them.
We know these differences are deliberate because
in Genesis 1:27,
we're told God created man in his own image,
in the image of God, He created him male and female,
He created them.
And so the real question comes,
how do we work with the differences that God built
into our relationships?
Because it goes back to your DNA,
you know xx, xy, estrogen, testosterone?
Yap, it impacts us.
And as we were working with relationships,
we started looking for how do we find a male friendly way
to describe this, because getting women involved
in discussion about relationship seems
to be pretty simple and straightforward.
Getting guys involved a little bit harder.
So we were looking for a male friendly way
to describe the differences between men and women.
And the we came up with the word picture
that we think sums it up pretty well.
And that word picture is, men are like waffles.
And women are like spaghetti.
So, so let me talk about the men first.
If you were to diagram the way typical man processes
information in life, it actually looks like a waffle.
There's a bunch of boxes,
all those boxes are separated from one another by walls.
And the way we as men operate is the first issue in life
goes in the first box.
The second issue in life goes in the second box.
The third issue in life goes in the third box, and so on.
And we as men, we spend time in one box at a time and
one box only.
So when a man is at work, he is literally at work.
When a man is out in the yard, doing yard work.
He is in the yard, doing yard work
When he's washing the boat,
he's washing the boat.
And when a man's watching TV,
Hello, hello.
= [Bill Farrel} He's just watching TV.
We do one thing at a time, and one thing only.
Now as we mature, we do jump boxes faster than we used to.
So at times, we kind of imitate multitasking,
but in reality, we're just jumping from one box to another
faster than we used to.
And because of this single focus that us men bring to life,
we are problem solvers by nature.
The way that we like to operate is we go into a box,
figure out what the problem is, assign a solution to it,
and then we move on.
And if we get to a box, and we see what the problem is,
and we don't know what the solution is,
we just move on.
Because we cannot possibly think of a reason
to spend time on a problem that we don't have an answer for.
And for part of your life, folks, this is really valuable.
Because your family needs that single focus
to this men naturally come by,
and the workplace, the community, churches, organizations,
all need that single focus that us men bring to life.
But it creates some struggles
in your most important relationships
because well because you ladies
just don't process like a waffle,
Right, like social scientists say
that men compartmentalize and women into great,
but nobody really talks like that.
And so if you look at the way our brain is wired,
we actually have more connections
between the two hemispheres of our brain.
And so if you look at the way our brain is wired,
it kind of looks like, a one noodle
laying on a plate of spaghetti.
If you follow that noodle around that plate,
it looks like it touches pretty much every other noodle
on the plate.
And that's the same way we women process life.
Is we travel through life,
making emotional connections to the people and things
that matter most to us.
And so by nature, we're really awesome at multitasking
or sometimes today, it's called toggle tasking,
jumping from thing to thing to thing to thing,
and we can be on the phone with our friend and her life
is all falling apart and we're watching TV
and there's Dr.Phil and he's saying,
how's that working for you?
So we're like, how's that working for you, honey?
Oh, honey, what do you need to do is you need
to turn tune into this awesome marriage summit.
Yeah, I'll send you the link.
At the same time, we are cooking dinner,
we have a load in the washer, load in the dryer,
and we can open and shut the oven door with our foot,
can't we the girls yes.
Yeah
We're awesome at that
whole multitasking thing.
But when it comes to communication,
that multitasking or toggle tasking,
jumping from thing to thing to thing can
sometimes drive the men in our world, our husband, our dad,
the guy we're dating, male co-workers or brother,
you know might drive them just a little bit crazy 'cause
that's not how they process their life.
And understand ladies,
we really do admire this about you.
But it gets really frustrating to us
when we have conversations with you
that sound like, hey honey how's your truck running?
You know, like I thought about your truck this week
because I was, I drove by your favorite truck store
because I was on my way to go find a new outfit
because I found this outfit that I knew
was gonna look really good on me
because last year we learned all
about what colors look good on you
and what colors don't look good on you.
And I figured out I was a spring pilot and
so I found this outfit that I knew
was just gonna look really good on me.
And when I know that I look good like it really good thing
because then my confidence level is higher.
Oh my confidence is up I think clear
and then I make better decisions that makes me easier
to live with and besides,
it was on sale so I was gonna surprise you
with it so I love it
when you go, oh baby You look really good in
that outfit and you know what it was the same color
that the Queen wore at Megan Merkle's wedding.
Just recently I think that's so funny.
You mean the queen, we share the same color palette,
but like you probably don't really think that
that's all that interesting.
But I know you like sports.
So you remember the last winter Olympics,
you remember that?
There was that race on the ice with the three ladies
that were going around.
And they were taking turns leading at the end
that one just fell that at the end
she slid right across the finish line.
And I thought was so sad.
You are trained for four years for the Olympics,
And she just fell out at the end.
It's just such a sad thing, and it reminded me
that a lot of our friends have been falling down
in their life right now.
And so you think we just take a quick moment right now
and pray for our friends?
Now ladies, when we have conversations with you,
that sounds like that.
We are frantically jumping boxes trying to figure out where
this conversation is going?
While you think we're praying for the friends,
what we're really thinking is,
so what about my truck?
Because we figured you brought up for a reason
and we can't quite figure out what it is.
And, and a couple other things ladies
that you want to keep in mind.
If you want to communicate well with us guys.
A couple things to remember is that
some of the boxes on every man's waffle,
there's thoughts rolling around inside there,
but they don't translate into senses.
So sometimes men just make noises.
You know go, huh, woo, yah, hoo ha.
And that's why two men passing each other will just go, hey.
'Cause that's a significant bonding moment for two men,
if they made eye contact and everything.
And having raised three sons, like like I get this.
I was driving around town one day with my boys
and one of my sons in the backseat,
just out of nowhere went
(shouts)
I went what?
He said nothing dad, I just wanted to say that.
So sometimes men just make noises.
And then the other thing to keep in mind is
that a few of the boxes on every man's waffle,
are completely blank.
There are no thoughts.
And there are no words there.
And we as men, we park in those blank boxes
to just kind of recharge fly.
I know you've seen it before.
And we're not sure how you do it ladies,
you must have some kind of radar
because every time we get in that blank box,
you asked the dreaded question.
So hey, what you thinking hun?
Which is a really hard question for us
because we tried telling you the truth.
We said
Nothing!
And your response is, well, you can't be thinking nothing,
you have to be thinking something.
So what is it?
And I'm here to tell you, every man I have ever met
has the ability to think absolutely
Nada!
Nothing!
And so since the truth didn't work,
the next time you asked the question,
there's a delay that takes place,
and our eyes start darting back and forth.
Because we're looking for a box somewhere nearby
that has words in it, so that we can answer your question,
and then you misinterpret the delay.
And you think, oh, you don't wanna share
what you're really thinking
So now you're making something up.
Now, most likely we were just thinking nothing.
And what tends to happen in a long-term relationship,
is over time men start to feel inadequate
when it comes to communication.
Because no kidding ladies,
we drop into these blank boxes
right in the middle of conversations.
Like sometimes people will be talking to you.
(mumbles)
And they say well, what do you think?
About what?
And see then we get in trouble with you
and we think, oh we're not very good at this.
And men don't like to work
and what they're not good at.
We'd like to work at what we are good at.
And so if a man concludes,
he's not very good at communication.
He'll go spend time doing other things.
And he never reached his potential as somebody
who can communicate interpersonally
and the relationship doesn't quite reach his potential.
So ladies, we would never put this all on you.
But it's helpful.
If you say okay, well, I guess all the guys have
this blank box so I'm not gonna take it personal.
I'm just gonna make room in the relationship for it.
If you can do that as men we say wow.
You know most of the women I've ever met, they don't get it.
But this one, she gets it.
And if we ever reach that conclusion about you,
we find you easy to live with.
And we're convinced we can succeed with you in our lives.
Men are like waffles not like spaghetti.
Yeah, we talk about 10 differences in our best selling book,
Men Are Like Waffles-Women Are Like Spaghetti
And one of the key differences is men and women
we relate differently.
The way we communicate is very different.
Great and there's a, there's an assumption
that we find most couples live with, it's not actually true.
The assumption is that most of our conversations are going
to be good for both of us at the same time.
And we reach that conclusion because that's the way it works
when you're dating.
And when you're dating,
you're trying to impress one another and you go
to whole new levels in your interaction with one another
and you and you reach this conclusion well we can talk
about anything at any time.
And that's why we have a single
men are like waffles single women like spaghetti
and we have one for teenagers too.
Because all of us relate to one another
men are like waffles like spaghetti, we all need some tips.
And in long-term relationships
that work differently.
And let me illustrate from our relationship.
Like there are some conversations in our home,
that I've noticed Pam go really well for you.
And when we're done with those conversations,
Pam is ready for action.
There are other conversations
in our home, that work really well for me.
And when we're done with those, I'm ready for action.
And then there's a few conversations
that work for both of us at the same time.
And folks, that's normal in long-term relationships.
So one of the most important relationship skills
we can develop is learning to take turns
when it comes to communication.
So men, when it's her turn to talk,
and you will know it's her turn
because she starts the conversation,
first thing you wanna do is turn off
that fix it mechanism you were born with.
Right, totally we are all problem solvers.
So when your wife, your daughter comes to you and says hey,
can we talk?
Your instinct is the same as mine, you're like, bring it on.
Because you're gonna size up the problem,
you're gonna play your male solution to it,
you're gonna be her hero for the day
and all is gonna be right in the world.
Okay, all of that hero, fix it stuff guys, turn it off,
pack up your bags, and just go on the listening journey
and let her take the conversation
anywhere she wants it to go.
And the reason why this is so important,
is, is one of the primary ways that women build trust
in a relationship is they connect their life
to the people they think are important.
So if your wife thinks you're important,
she wants to connect her life to you
by telling you what she thought what she did
and what she thought about doing but didn't do it's
what her mom had to say what her sister had to say.
She isn't looking for input on all of that,
she's connecting her life to you.
And if you want to have a relationship
that's full of trust guys,
get used to that process
of just letting her connect her life to you,
by sharing what's on her heart.
Right, so if the gift that the guys give
is to pack up their bags and go on a listening journey,
then what is that gift that we can give
to the men in our world.
We can give the gift of staying in the box.
We women have more words per day than the average guys.
So we can usually just out talk them
In fact the part of the brain
that monitors verbal interaction,
is larger in females than it is in males.
So there's a physical reason
why you ladies can process more words every day,
than as men can.
And so sometimes
because we process life differently
than the way guys process life, we think something is wrong
with them like they're broken or something.
And one of the best illustrations that I saw of
this is was a cartoon.
And there was a,
an uncle
who's like about my husband's age.
He's talking to his niece is about college age.
And she's like, oh, thank you for helping me uncle.
Everything you did just totally changed my life.
And he took out a business card and he handed it to her
and he says, you can take this down the petroleum store,
they'll give you 10% off your gasoline.
And the wife saw the whole interaction.
And she said okay, our niece was pouring out her heart
and you handed her a business card,
like have you no feelings.
He's like, I had feelings.
As afraid she was gonna hug me.
I was scared, it was gonna go on and on.
And I was happy when it was over.
I have feelings.
Guys really do have feelings.
They're just buried in the very bottom
of each one of those waffle box compartments.
And it takes them a little time
to weave their way down
and share the best of who they are with us.
It's kind of like how syrup would seep down
to the bottom of a Belgian waffle square.
The sweetest part of who a guy is
in the very bottom of every one
of those waffle box compartments.
And so because of that I do a lot
of speaking to women's groups too.
And because of that, often times I get asked the question.
How do I get my husband and my son, my boyfriend,
to open up to me.
And when women put it like this, she's like.
We were working with youth at the time
and she was college age and she just gotten engaged.
She's like, I'm so excited to get married Pam,
my fiance he's a good looking guy,
and he is such a good man, he's so moral,
And he's like, gonna be a great provider,
but I think something's wrong with them.
I think something's broken.
I think in university, they called it emotionally shallow.
And I just started to smile.
And the reason I started to smile
is she just hadn't found the key
to unlocking her guy's heart and that
is men like to live in dwelling camp out in boxes,
they feel super successful in and totally avoid boxes
that they don't feel successful in.
And then so I said, tell me about your fiance
'cause I'm looking for the box
he feels comfortable or successful in.
And she's like, he's a race car driver.
I said there you go baby girl,
you just get yourself into that garage.
And when you're in the garage,
just repeat back key things
that he's saying key phrases
that he's saying, to keep them talking.
She's like, all right, so she goes into the garage.
And of course, he's working on his race car.
So he's torquing this and he's tweaking that,
and he's talk about rods and pistons and fly wheels.
And she's dutifully repeating back to the car parts,
she didn't have a clue what she talked about,
but she's repeating back those car parts.
And all of a sudden,
he comes out from underneath the hood of the car
and he puts his hand on the car
and he says to her oh, honey,
nobody's ever taken the time to love me like this.
Nobody is taking the time to care about my world like this.
I am so excited to get married to you.
I wanna build us a big three bedroom,
two bath house and we'll have a balcony out back
and I'll build a front porch
and hang up a front porch swing
and every night when I come home from work
I'll just bring you a skinny vanilla latte
and I'll slide in next to hold you
in my arms as we listen to your heart,
as we watch the sunset.
Over the ocean.
She told me later, I never want to leave the garage again.
See it was effective.
Yes, just repeat back those key phrases
to keep him talking.
See what happens too often,
a guy brings up a subject to talk about
and he actually hopes it's
that subject you're gonna talk about
because we women are like spaghetti.
We see the five or six other boxes around that first box,
and we just start opening up boxes or opening up issues.
Well, the problem with doing that
is men are problem solvers by nature.
So when one box is open, that's one problem to solve.
When two boxes are open two problem to solve,
three boxes are open three problem to solve and so on.
And every male has like a limit,
on how many boxes or how many issues he can have presenting.
And if you get too many boxes going girls,
you're gonna know it, because he's gonna do one
of two things.
He's either gonna fire up and become angry
and you're like what I just talked it,
or he's just gonna want to shut
that box down and escaped to one
of his favorite boxes, like the garage
and you're just chasing with your words,
and nobody's needs are getting met there.
And so the gift that we can give ladies
is the gift of staying in the box,
especially his favorite box and become a great listener.
And what we've been talking
with you about folks
is how to practically accept one another.
And the fact that you're different.
And one of the reasons we process relationships differently
is there are physical differences between men and women
that you can't see that impacts
the way we interact with one another.
For instance, I don't know if you're aware that
when men solve a problem, they use one side of their brain
might be the right side or the left side,
but they stay on that side until things have been solved.
You ladies when you solve the same problem,
you use both sides of your brain at the same time.
And the reason for that is
that the female brain has more physical connections
between the two sides of the brain than the male brain
because when men are in the womb,
there's a testosterone bath that takes place.
It's severs some of the connections
between the two sides of the brain,
and it sends a signal out
for other connections not to develop.
And usually at this point,
there's a female that's thinking, see,
I knew they were handicapped.
And I just wanna point out for all a man out there
we just figured out how to simplify the process.
Because studies show that men and women
solve problems equally well,
we just do it
Differently.
And one of the most important physical related differences
between men and women that effect relationships
are when a man eats, the part of his brain
that makes him happier, gets stimulated.
So a man literally is happier with himself happier
with life and more content right after he has eaten a meal.
And when you ladies share that same meal,
the part of your brain that sharpens your eyesight
becomes stimulated,
and you become more aware of your environment
and you have more to talk about.
That's the reason why
so many good relationship things happen around meals,
because men are more relaxed and more content.
Ladies have plenty to bring to the table to talk about
and you end up building great relationship memories.
So like how many of you, ladies,
your mom or your grandma mom said to you,
the way to a man's heart is through his stomach.
Yeah now there's research behind it right girls.
And so if you happen to borrow your husband's car
and you wreck it,
now you know you should probably feed him
his favorite meal first,
then tell him the bad news about the car.
And now that we've talked about
a few of these differences,
we have a short little video clip to show you
that shows how this might play out
in a typical home.
(video plays)
You will not believe
the day I have had I've got to tell you
about this little thing I have put my stuff out.
(rhythmic music)
Honey is that you?
So I went out to lunch with Jenny and Amy
'cause you know we always go out
to lunch every third Thursday
of the month, unless of course that falls
on Jenny's bloody class
and move it to the fourth Thursday of the month.
Sometimes includes my haircut upon but it didn't this time.
So anyway, so Jenny drove
because she has this new truck she wanted to be seen with.
Timmy has a big four wheel drive.
I mean, it's all ridiculous.
She's so petite and she's in this big truck
but she drove anyway so.
(high intensity electro music)
So Jenny is freaking out I mean who wouldn't
but Jenny is such a quiet person anyway,
at that time she wouldn't complain
to the manager at Bennigan's
because the waiter kept getting her order wrong anyway,
so anyway, she was loosing it all over the phone
with her husband about how could it be
so after mining and forget the chocolate cheeseburger ads.
(high intensity electro music)
(loud music)
Even Emmy couldn't believe
that Tom would even consider purchase like
that without talking to her first,
I mean you would never do that?
I told him that no one is over a bigger TV.
Let's just get rid of the TV altogether you know,
(loud music)
So, what do you think?
Can we do it?
Yeah oh, oh yeah, definitely.
I knew you'd understand,
you are such a good listener.
(piano playing)
Oh hey, is it all these rooms repainted pink
or just this one here.
(piano playing)
It pays to be a good listener.
Right which is why in the Bible,
at James 1:19 tells us everyone should be quick to listen,
slow to speak, and slow to become angry.
And if you want to see improvement in your relationship
starting today, the skill to begin with,
is learning how to be a good listener.
So Pam, what does it take to be a good listener?
So there's four simple steps
to becoming a great listener.
And the first thing I talked about now
is repeat key phrases.
And so you could just talk to anybody you know this week,
just say so how you doing?
And they're probably gonna say, fine,
because that's what we're trained to do.
But instead of just saying, yeah, me too,
and walking away, stop and push pause
and start repeating what they're saying,
well, I'm actually kind of tired,
well you're kind of tired, why is that?
I think I've just like got this zoom stress going on?
Oh, yeah, I've been,
yeah, that like,
it's really hard, isn't it?
Yeah and besides that,
like when we're working really long hours,
I thought we were gonna have like this little break.
But no, it's really long hours.
And then our teenagers are in the house.
And so they're like always bored and complaining.
And oh, yeah, I guess I am really tired.
And so all you've done is repeat one phrase.
They rolled out their whole life story.
So it's actually pretty effective
to just repeat key phrases.
But you might feel a little like a robot if all you do
is repeat key phrases.
So the second thing you're gonna want
to do is rephrase it and put it
in your own words like what I hear you saying is
and then kind of capsulize the conversation
and put it in your own words.
The third that you're going to want to do is regroup.
And that's when you're gonna want
to hand the conversation back
and ask for some clarification.
Like, am I in the ballpark?
Am I catching what you're trying to tell me?
And give them a chance to respond.
And the more sensitive the topic
or the more volatile the conversation,
the more important it is that you do step three,
and offer that regroup and give them a chance to respond.
And then lastly,
you're gonna want to reconnect your spouse or
who you're talking to, is going to be sharing a story.
And somewhere in that story, there's an emotion.
And what you're going for is trying
to match emotion to emotion or heart to heart
to gain that connection that you're looking for.
But don't get discouraged
at this point, folks, because most of the time,
when you say to your spouse, okay, is it like this?
And then you share a story from your life about
how you felt?
Most of the time the other person will say, no,
it's not really like that.
And don't get discouraged with that
because this kind of communication,
it's a lot like baseball,
Oh baseball remember that?
Yeah.
In baseball, if somebody misses the ball two thirds
of the time we call them a great hitter.
And that's the way this kind of communication works.
It only takes about a 10% success rate
to cement the two of you together
so tightly that nothing in life can get between you.
And Pam and I learned the importance of this one day,
we were in the middle of raising our family
and I came home one day I said,
Pam, you know I really believe you're too busy.
And I have a choice here I can react
or I can repeat those key phrases.
That day, I chose to repeat key phrases.
Oh so you think I'm too busy?
= [Bill Farrel] Well, it's not just you're too busy.
It's that life is kind of overwhelming right now for me.
Life is overwhelming hun?
Yeah, actually,
I'm feeling like I might fail.
You feel like you might fail?
Yeah, especially at work.
How? Yeah
Like you remember I told you growing up,
my mom because she was afraid of everybody
and everything used a lot of reverse psychology.
So growing up I heard a lot you don't have what it takes,
you never going to be anything
and she said it over and I think she meant well
but like it really said in it's like her voice is back
in my office and for some reason,
I'm afraid she might be right.
Oh, wow.
Is it kind of like, okay,
let me see if I'm catching what you're trying to say.
As a kind of like, when you go to work,
like you're hearing your mom's negative messaging,
and that's what's making you feel like
And it shouldn't be happening
because things are going well at work.
So I don't know why I can't shake it.
= [Pam Farrel] Okay, okay.
See if it's kind of like this.
Remember that time when I told you that story,
and that my dad had been drinking,
like all day and all night,
and I like showed,
I was like, grade seven.
And I showed her my report card
and my report card was,
you know 100% 100% 100% 99.9
and because my dad had been like,
drinking out of his mind, he's like,
Pam why isn't that 100?
Like, you feel like even if it had been 100
he would have found something wrong with it?
Probably.
Yes I have no reason to feel this way,
but I can't shake it anyway.
I am so sorry hun.
I'm praying for you.
So that was an important day for Pam and I
because we recognize that part of our connection
to each other, we share a lot of the same values in life.
But we also realize we share some of the same pain
from our childhood, and we believe
that together we could do better.
But this conversation could have looked
a whole lot different, if it had gone more like Pam,
I really think you're too busy.
Remember I have an option,
I can repeat key phrases or I can react.
What if I would have reacted?
You think that I'm too busy?
Whoa!
You think that I'm too busy?
Sorry for bringing it up.
Is it cause I like doing everything around here.
I'm like raising your three boys,
and I'm like writing these books and like,
I'm helping you down and the church,
'cause you're like a pastor
and like I'm doing the dishes I'm doing the laundry.
Maybe if you would take out that trash on occasion,
I wouldn't be so busy.
Can you imagine the argument
we could have had over that interaction.
We could have been an intense fellowship
with each other for at least a week.
Right, the choice always yours.
The choice is always ours conflict or connection.
And when you use those simple listening tools,
you gain The connection that you're looking for.
So communication is the first area
where you can work on your differences.
But another really important one is to recognize
that we relieve stress differently.
Like we live in a world that produces stress,
and we don't actually want you to become stress free.
A little bit of stress is good
because it helps you be productive.
But lately, there's been a lot
of those stress so.
(giggles)
And the problem is,
when stress gets too high,
it starts to have a detrimental impact on you.
So you have to have a way of bringing stress down
to the level at which you operate well
as a couple and as a family.
And like other areas of life, we relieve stress differently.
So men, the way that women tend to relieve stress,
is they talk their way through it.
And some of you are thinking well, yeah,
we just talked about that.
You know they kind of do that listening, hey,
this a little bit different.
Like when stress hits a woman's life
is like a great big meatball comes flying out of the sky
and it lands on her plate of spaghetti
and it sends noodles flying everywhere.
And so now she has to go click the ball
of noodles and get him back on the plate
and she has to integrate the meatball because again
her whole life is connected.
And so she's gonna want to talk her way through, like,
why did this happen to us?
What does it say about me?
What does it say about you?
What does it say about us?
How are we supposed to respond?
What do I do next time this happens?
And she has to walk her way through all that.
And the first time she walks her way through it,
it's gonna kind of fit together but not really.
So then she's gonna want to talk it through again.
And the second time through,
it starts to fit a little bit better,
but probably still hasn't found its place.
So then she could talk it through a third time.
And by then as men were thinking,
I thought we talked about this.
And the reality is you have she just hasn't figured out
how it fits into the fabric of her life.
So men, what you and I can do when we see stress rising,
is set aside a little bit of extra time
to help her process through the stress.
And ladies, one of the things you can do
to help us guys out is to develop
some really good girlfriends.
Because you probably need to talk about
this a little bit more than we can listen
and if we're both doing our part,
it brings stress back down,
Right so talk on the phone,
talk social distancing, but talk girl friend
it's gonna be a good thing for your marriage.
You know because when I'm stressed out,
I talk my way through stress.
And so when I'm stressed my mom knows and my sister knows
and my best friend knows it,
the clerk at the grocery store
will know that I'm stressed out.
But that's not how guys process stress.
How guys process stress is they like
to go their favorite easy boxes,
to rest and recharge.
It's kind of like a battery sitting in a recharger.
When you look at a battery sitting
in a recharger it doesn't look like it's doing nothing,
but it's doing something, it's recharging.
So sometimes the feelings under stress,
and you're looking at your husband, you're like,
you're like watching ESPN,
you're like just sitting there on the sofa.
You're on your phone again, you're on the computer,
like what is going on?
Like can't you see the world's falling apart?
Well, they can, but they're processing their stress.
And the creator kinda helped us girls out
so we could recognize these favorite recharger boxes of men
in that most of them are shaped like boxes
when you think about it.
The TV screens is shaped like a box,
the computer screen shaped like a box,
the phone is shaped like a box
Football field.
Football field, baseball,
diamond, basketball court.
Hockey goal.
A hockey goal,
the refrigerator is shaped like a box,
Yes it is.
And the bed is shaped like a box.
Yes it is.
In fact, that bed box,
that box that we called the Red Hot Nagomi box,
that's a favorite box for husbands
to go to when they're all stressed out.
It's kind of like that free square
in the middle of a bingo card.
And men can get there from every other square
in their waffle.
Bingo, so folks, keep your sense of humor
in your relationships, keep learning how to communicate well
because our differences matter.
Keep helping each other bring stress down,
Take turns.
= [Bill Farrel] Yap, and look for creative ways
to stay connected because so much of life we can't control.
Like we've got some good friends that live
in a condominium complex.
They have an eight year old son who's very precautious
and I don't know if you've heard
that highly intelligent kids,
don't need as much sleep as other kids
so we like to refer to their son as highly intelligent,
(laughs)
because he often wakes up in the middle
of the night sneaks in their room
and watches them sleep.
And he is gifted at just interrupting them.
So every time they try to have a conversation,
he invites himself in and interrupts the conversation.
When they try to spend time together, he gets involved,
and he interrupts their time together and he's managed
to get them completely off rhythm.
And they got to think and we cannot let
this be the definition of our relationship.
We love our son, we love each other
and so we gotta do something.
Right.
So they came up with a plan.
It was a Sunday afternoon,
they call their son in the living room.
They said, son, we need to talk with you.
He's like, oh, okay, what?
He said, we figured out this condominium complex
we live in this neighborhood.
It needs a neighborhood spy,
and we believe you are the man for the job.
So he was like, okay, what do you want me to do?
So here's the plan.
You go out on the balcony of our condominium,
you look out over the neighborhood,
you start calling out what you see going on,
we're gonna be in our room taking notes.
Taking notes.
So just make sure we can hear you
and they're thinking
we're gonna keep him busy just long enough.
We can enjoy each other,
be back before he ever knows what happens,
and everybody will have a good day.
Ooh a little Red Hot Nagomi
So he goes, yeah, he goes the balcony,
they go to their room, he starts calling out what he sees.
He says, I see some kids out the park.
They're riding their skateboards around.
They seem like they're okay.
They're not really causing trouble.
Oh, here comes some kids on bicycles and they're heading
towards those kids at the park.
I think there's going to be a rumble in the park.
This is not good big.
I don't know ,I think everyone should go okay.
Motorcycle policeman comes to the street.
We're okay there,
Mr. Anderson, he's mowing the lawn.
And the Johnson's they are having sex,
and they shout in bed.
How do you that?
He said, well their kids are on the balcony too.
So folks, our hope for you is
that our kids see your kids on the balcony real soon,
and that you keep growing
in your relationships despite the stress
and despite your differences.
Keep living Love-Wise.
(upbeat music)